Old Emails

I came across some old emails the other day.  They were from about 3 years ago (yes, I am a packrat – doing better with actual papers, but thankful for electronic storage).  I had just started to settle down in Greenville.  I hadn’t been back in the US for a year yet.  I was meeting new people, figuring out my job, finding a church, etc.

It was kind of fun to read through some of those first emails with people who I now call some of my closest friends.  Some of them were really funny and awkward, just because I had never met the folks and was trying to become friends over email.  I’m not sure how they got past my awkwardness, but so glad they did.

As sweet as it was to relive those memories, I was struck by something disheartening, almost shocking.  I was reading the emails of a different person.  Rarely, now, do my emails, phone calls, or other conversations sound like they did 3 years ago. 

That girl was so hopeful.  She was confident in what she knew God was directing her towards.  She was mindful of what God was doing in the large and small things around her.  She anticipated spiritual conversations and seized opportunities to put more faith in God and encourage others to do the same.

And as I sat there, all I could think was, “That’s not me…not anymore.”

I was heartbroken.  How have I let that passion fade?  Who have I become?  Where am I headed?

The past 4 years have been difficult.  Transition back to the States lasted as long as my time overseas, maybe longer.  And it seems, in many ways, to have been followed by a spiritual valley.  We all have to come down from the mountain at some point.  And even though every moment overseas wasn’t “mountain top” awesome, it was the mountain for me, spiritually. 

Though we feel closer to God and stronger in our faith on the mountain, that is not where life happens.  Our faith is lived out away from the mountain.  Our faith is refined away from the mountain.  As Oswald Chambers puts it, “The power of the saint lies in the coming down and in the living that is done in the valley.”

So how can we be sure we don’t falter or fade once we come down from the mountain?  How can we keep our faith constant and remain steadfast in Him?

We can’t.  We are not able.  We are not constant.  We are broken. 

But God is not.  He is able.  He is constant.

Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever.  – Hebrews 13.8

For I the Lord do not change. – Malachi 3.3

Our ability to remain in Him rests solely on Him.  He is our Constant One. 

When everything in and around us changes.  When nothing feels stable.  When our faith fades.  He is the same. 

“Believe God is the God you know Him to be when you are closest to Him.” - Chambers

He does not change, and His love for us remains the same.

He is the same God who revealed Himself on the mountaintop and in the fire.  He is the same God who initially drew us to Himself.  And He will draw us back to Himself.  He will draw us through His Word, through His people, through song…and sometimes through old emails.

New Year

New Year.  New beginning.  New opportunity.  New chances. 

For many, those words bring hope.  There is anticipation that things could change for the better; that things can improve.  For many, that’s what is desired; what is needed.  I know a lot of people who want to forget 2012. 

For me, 2012 was a very difficult year, for a number of reasons.  Struggle is a good way to describe the past year.  I struggled to make decisions.  I struggled to balance my schedule and my life.  I struggled to build and strengthen relationships.  I struggled to hold onto relationships, and struggled to let others go.  I struggled through illness and death of people I love.  And all the while, I struggled to understand why.

I desperately desired a reason for events and circumstances.  I would still like to understand why things played out the way they did.  I will likely never fully know or fully understand, though.  I was reminded at Christmas that even if God did choose to explain it all to me, I wouldn’t understand.

For he is not man, as I am… - Job 9.32

God is perfect.  His plan is perfect.  His knowledge is perfect.  His understanding is perfect.  There is nothing about me that is perfect, except that which God has put in me.  With human capabilities and imperfect understanding, I should not expect understandable answers to all of my ‘Why?’ questions.

What I can understand is that we have a Savior who knows and understands every thought, emotion, and question.

Since then we have a great high priest who has passed through the heavens, Jesus, the Son of God, let us hold fast our confession.  For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weakness, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin.  Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in the time of need.

– Hebrews 4.14-16

He knows.  He understands.  He cares. 

He knows we live in a broken world.  He understands that it is difficult, painful, and trying.  He cares about the things that harm His children.

He knew that because of sin not only is this world broken, but also our ability to receive salvation on our own.  He understood that our salvation would require a perfect sacrifice.  He cared about our salvation enough to become that sacrifice.

Since therefore the children share in the flesh and blood, he himself likewise partook of the same things, that through death he might destroy the one who has the power of death, that is, the devil, and deliver all those who through fear of death were subject to lifelong slavery.  – Hebrews 2.14-15

Struggle is part of this life, part of this world.  We are constantly reminded of the brokenness that surrounds us.  But we must not forget that our Savior understands our struggle – He lived and breathed it.  We must also not forget that our Savior defeated the ultimate struggle, and we, too, are ultimately victorious through Him.