Several weeks ago, a friend sent me a series of messages done by Francis and Lisa Chan on relationships. You may be familiar with Francis Chan - author of Crazy Love and Forgotten God. In 2008, he had his wife, Lisa, join him on stage to talk about marriage and relationships. It is one of the best series on marriage I've heard.
The main point is that we need to view marriage (and all relationships) through an eternal lens; through a Gospel lens.
"If then you have been raised with Christ, seek the things that are above, where Christ is, seated as the right hand of God." - Colossians 3.1
If we were truly seeking things that are above, our view of all relationships on this earth would change. Our eyes would be turned from ourselves, and our selfish desires, to Christ and to others. We would take Jesus' words seriously when He tells us:
"You shall love the Lord our God with all your heart and with all your should and with all you mind. This is the great and first commandment. And a second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as yourself." - Matthew 22.37-39
That is real love. As it is, our love is selfish - broken and sinful just like the rest of the world. We are not capable of perfect love here and now, though that is what we should strive for. While we can't love perfectly, we can receive perfect love.
"So we have come to know and to believe the love that God has for us. God is love, and whoever abides in love abides in God, and God abides in him." - 1 John 4.16
This is why Paul Tripp says in What Did You Expect?, "Love seeks vertical fulfillment so it can horizontally serve." Our fulfillment comes from Christ. He is the only one who can truly fill us. Tripp also states, “Love means you never ask your spouse to do for you what only God can do.”
Asking your spouse (or future spouse) to fulfill you is completely unreasonable, and is actually unloving since it’s setting them up for failure (not to mention setting yourself up for disappointment). It is impossible for someone, anyone, no matter how wonderful they are, to provide for you what only Christ can provide (and has provided) through His death on the cross.
It’s just so easy for us to seek fulfillment in another person. It may be even easier for single people to do this because we get to make up our own version of our future spouse in our heads. It’s easy to think, “Once I get married, my husband will totally understand me and support me. Everything will be easier.” Wrong. He’ll probably misunderstand me often, not because he wants to, but because communication is difficult and flawed. We won’t always be on the same page. We will argue.
These are all things that can be overcome with grace, though, if I am resting in Christ as my fulfillment and trusting Christ in my husband. If, however, I have put unrealistic expectations on that person, those problems will only become magnified and multiplied as we add in disillusionment and disappointment.
A Gospel perspective of marriage recognizes the need for intimate community, as well as the power of marriage. That power is not just for the betterment of the individuals or the couple, though that will be one result. Marriage is a tool used by God to show the relationship between Christ and the Church, and is used to bring others into His Kingdom.
That’s the ultimate goal in any relationship and in our lives – Christ and His Kingdom. If I am seeking that, with my eyes on Christ, it will overflow into all of my relationships. However, as Tripp puts it, “If I am not loving God as my king, I will set up my own kingdom and live for myself.”
No one wants to be a part of my kingdom. It’s crap. I can’t save anyone, and my kingdom is good for no one, not even me.
"If then you have been raised with Christ, seek the things that are above, where Christ is, seated as the right hand of God." - Colossians 3.1
Because in the end, it’s not about me, and that’s a good thing.
Christ Centered Relationships" is also available in 3 parts on You Tube. May God take first place in our lives, and our spouses and their wants and needs take second place. May we be more willing to serve, rather than be served.
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