God continues to pull me back into Him, reminding me of His
power, His provision, His blessing, and His calling on my life. His Spirit is opening my eyes again and
awakening my heart to His leading more and more. It has been such a sweet reminder that He is in the details
of my life and has never left me, even when I turned from His leading.
A few weeks ago, I went to Charleston with a friend in
preparation for my move in May. The
weekend as a whole was very encouraging and increased my excitement for moving
and starting school, and helped solidify confidence in my decision.
I found myself in the middle of a very interesting
conversation the first night. The
family we stayed with is involved in medical missions, so it didn’t take long
for that topic to come up. As we
started talking about missions, the conversation moved to my past and future
involvement in missions. As we
were talking, I heard myself speaking so naturally about my hopes for future
mission involvement, and remembered very clearly God’s call for me to use
whatever opportunities He gives me (medical or otherwise) for His purposes.
As I heard words of excitement and joy for God’s work coming
out of my mouth, though, I also had the thought, “Do I even deserve to be in
this conversation? Am I worthy of
saying the things that I am saying?
After the struggles, drifting, sin, and general shortcomings that have
become so clear over the past year, who am I to share in the joy of missions?”
The answer to those questions is that I am even less worthy
than I know. My sin is worse than
I can see or believe. I don’t
deserve to experience God’s work in the lives of others any more than I deserve
to experience His grace in my life.
…but God shows his
love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us. – Romans
5.8
But he said to me, “My
grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” – 2
Corinthians 12.9
I have known and quoted these verses for years, believing I
understood them. And I did
understand them to an extent. But
until I truly understand the depths of my sin and brokenness, I cannot fully
understand His grace. So I still
do not fully grasp the power and thoroughness of His grace.
The more God reveals Himself to me, though, the more I see
my sin, and the more opportunity there is to see His grace. That is not automatic, though. I must continually be reminded of His
love and acceptance of me based on nothing but the blood of Christ in order to
experience His grace. Otherwise,
the revelation of my sin only leads straight to the pit. As one who daily receives grace, then,
I am called to daily show grace and lead others to the Giver of grace.
My prayer, like that of Paul, then, is
If I must boast, I
will boast of the things that show my weakness. – 2 Corinthians 11.30
Therefore I will boast
all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon
me. For the sake of Christ, then,
I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong. –
2 Corinthians 12.9-10
My desire, though I am far from it, is to struggle well in
grace and invite others to struggle well with me.
