Tension

I often quote people, movies, books, songs, etc. One reason is I just think it's fun (and I know at least one other person who thinks it's fun, too). Another reason, though, is that sometimes someone else just says something better/explains something better than I could. That is the case with the article I'm linking to in this blog.

I've been working in the "real world" for about a year and a half now, and it has created a tension inside me that I've had trouble explaining.

I enjoy what I do. I mean we all have bad/stressful/frustrating days, but I like what I do better than many other professions/jobs. I enjoy orthopaedics - figuring out what's making the body not work like it should and then fixing it. I love working with and helping people, and I enjoy doing that in all different capacities. So it's not that I hate my job or that it's a dead end job. But I still feel this tension.

I've had trouble verbalizing this tension, except being able to say, "I don't want to work for a corporation. I hate feeling like I'm working for a corporation because I don't know what I'm working for or if I even agree with the goal and direction of the corporation." Then, when I'd try to elaborate, I felt like my thoughts just kinda spilled out into a jumbled, confused pile. So when I came along this article, I was relieved. I was relieved that I wasn't alone in my feelings and that there were words to express them. I wonder how many people feel this same tension in their jobs on a daily basis...

Check out Tim Keller's thoughts: Ministry Movements

God is God and I am Not

Maybe you already know that.  Hopefully you know that.  I know that.  Do I believe it?  Sadly, if you look at my life, you would probably say that I don’t believe that. 

Why?

Because I worry.  I worry about the future – about things that will happen; about things I will do; about the way I will respond to circumstances.  I worry about decisions I have already made.  I worry for days, weeks, even months and years…about things that are over and done; things that cannot be changed.  

I cannot change the past.  I cannot control the future.  Yesterday is done and I have zero ability to affect tomorrow today.  And yet I worry.

Lately, I have been consumed with worry about starting my new job.  Consumed may seem like a strong word, but in this situation, it may not be strong enough.  Just ask my roommate. 

I have spent hours studying and reviewing material, trying to prepare myself for anything that might happen.  I study numbers, procedures, injuries, indications, contraindications, past results, etc.  I constantly have information and scenarios running though my head.  Right now, in fact, I have several different things regarding my job running through my head.

I have neglected Bible study and prayer to study.  I hate to even type that, but it’s true.  That used to be a habit of mine in college, but, thankfully, I haven’t done that in several years…until now.

I am anxious all the time, especially at work (which, by the way, has been nothing but orientation up to this point).  I worry about making a mistake.  I worry about screwing up.  I worry about what other people think of me.  I worry about doing harm not good.  I worry that I’m going to fail.

Now, I do believe that an arrogant confidence is harmful.  In dealing with injuries and potential emergency situations, it is good to be aware of the gravity of the situation and prepare for the worst.  Agonizing and worrying constantly, however, is not preparation.  In fact, it may even have a negative impact on preparation.

And, yet, I worry.

So this morning, God graciously gave me yet another reminder of how proud and untrusting my behavior is.  He allowed me to listen to a podcast about control.  Here were the main points:

-       God’s hands are not tied.  They never have been.  They never will be.

-       It is not up to me to control outcomes, but to be a good steward of what God has given me.

-       God is in control and I am not.

So, does this mean I quit studying and preparing altogether?  No.  Does this mean that I have no responsibility in any of this?  No.  It means that God gave me certain abilities and expects me to be a good steward with them.  Being a good steward means doing everything I do as unto the Lord – preparation and execution.

I still must prepare.  I still must equip myself as best I can.  I still must cultivate my abilities.  However, this constant anxiety has to stop.  God deserves more respect than that.

God is God and I am not.

Plan B

Well, if this whole athletic training thing doesn't work out, maybe I can get into the family business.