Old Emails

I came across some old emails the other day.  They were from about 3 years ago (yes, I am a packrat – doing better with actual papers, but thankful for electronic storage).  I had just started to settle down in Greenville.  I hadn’t been back in the US for a year yet.  I was meeting new people, figuring out my job, finding a church, etc.

It was kind of fun to read through some of those first emails with people who I now call some of my closest friends.  Some of them were really funny and awkward, just because I had never met the folks and was trying to become friends over email.  I’m not sure how they got past my awkwardness, but so glad they did.

As sweet as it was to relive those memories, I was struck by something disheartening, almost shocking.  I was reading the emails of a different person.  Rarely, now, do my emails, phone calls, or other conversations sound like they did 3 years ago. 

That girl was so hopeful.  She was confident in what she knew God was directing her towards.  She was mindful of what God was doing in the large and small things around her.  She anticipated spiritual conversations and seized opportunities to put more faith in God and encourage others to do the same.

And as I sat there, all I could think was, “That’s not me…not anymore.”

I was heartbroken.  How have I let that passion fade?  Who have I become?  Where am I headed?

The past 4 years have been difficult.  Transition back to the States lasted as long as my time overseas, maybe longer.  And it seems, in many ways, to have been followed by a spiritual valley.  We all have to come down from the mountain at some point.  And even though every moment overseas wasn’t “mountain top” awesome, it was the mountain for me, spiritually. 

Though we feel closer to God and stronger in our faith on the mountain, that is not where life happens.  Our faith is lived out away from the mountain.  Our faith is refined away from the mountain.  As Oswald Chambers puts it, “The power of the saint lies in the coming down and in the living that is done in the valley.”

So how can we be sure we don’t falter or fade once we come down from the mountain?  How can we keep our faith constant and remain steadfast in Him?

We can’t.  We are not able.  We are not constant.  We are broken. 

But God is not.  He is able.  He is constant.

Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever.  – Hebrews 13.8

For I the Lord do not change. – Malachi 3.3

Our ability to remain in Him rests solely on Him.  He is our Constant One. 

When everything in and around us changes.  When nothing feels stable.  When our faith fades.  He is the same. 

“Believe God is the God you know Him to be when you are closest to Him.” - Chambers

He does not change, and His love for us remains the same.

He is the same God who revealed Himself on the mountaintop and in the fire.  He is the same God who initially drew us to Himself.  And He will draw us back to Himself.  He will draw us through His Word, through His people, through song…and sometimes through old emails.

The Magnificat

And Mary said,

“My soul magnifies the Lord,
and my spirit rejoices in God my Savior,
for he has looked on the humble estate of his servant.
For behold, from now on all generations will call me blessed;
for he who is mighty has done great things for me,
and holy is his name.
And his mercy is for those who fear him
from generation to generation.
He has shown strength with his arm;
he has scattered the proud in the thoughts of their hearts;
he has brought down the mighty from their thrones
and exalted those of humble estate;
he has filled the hungry with good things,
and the rich he has sent away empty.
He has helped his servant Israel,
in remembrance of his mercy,
as he spoke to our fathers,
to Abraham and to his offspring forever.”

- Luke 1.46-55

Hypotheticals

Donald Miller wrote a blog a couple weeks ago entitled, A Creator Doesn’t Entertain Hypotheticals. Miller’s blog was talking about not entertaining hypotheticals as a writer, but when I first read the blog title, I immediately thought about God.

God doesn’t deal in hypotheticals. He doesn’t need to. He is all-powerful. He creates reality and deals in reality. I need hypotheticals because I’m not all-powerful and I’m not in control. The only thing I can even partially control is my mind (though it easily gets out of control and crazy), so I try to control situations in my mind.

I create hypothetical situations because it makes me feel in control and prepared, but that is not reality. I create hypotheticals because I would rather put my faith in a completely made up situation and fake control than in the One who really has all control and power. I’d rather let my mind go crazy over a hypothetical situation than spend time communicating with the One who’s actually in control.

So I freak out and come to God with all of my “What if’s…?” and He doesn’t even dismiss them. Instead, He comforts me with His “But God’s…” If I would just spend time focusing on His power and talking with Him, not only would I be continually reminded of Truth, but I wouldn’t have time for all of those hypotheticals.

“But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us, even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ… “- Ephesians 2.4-5

“but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” – Romans 5.8

“My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.” – Psalm 73.26

God is God and I am Not

Maybe you already know that.  Hopefully you know that.  I know that.  Do I believe it?  Sadly, if you look at my life, you would probably say that I don’t believe that. 

Why?

Because I worry.  I worry about the future – about things that will happen; about things I will do; about the way I will respond to circumstances.  I worry about decisions I have already made.  I worry for days, weeks, even months and years…about things that are over and done; things that cannot be changed.  

I cannot change the past.  I cannot control the future.  Yesterday is done and I have zero ability to affect tomorrow today.  And yet I worry.

Lately, I have been consumed with worry about starting my new job.  Consumed may seem like a strong word, but in this situation, it may not be strong enough.  Just ask my roommate. 

I have spent hours studying and reviewing material, trying to prepare myself for anything that might happen.  I study numbers, procedures, injuries, indications, contraindications, past results, etc.  I constantly have information and scenarios running though my head.  Right now, in fact, I have several different things regarding my job running through my head.

I have neglected Bible study and prayer to study.  I hate to even type that, but it’s true.  That used to be a habit of mine in college, but, thankfully, I haven’t done that in several years…until now.

I am anxious all the time, especially at work (which, by the way, has been nothing but orientation up to this point).  I worry about making a mistake.  I worry about screwing up.  I worry about what other people think of me.  I worry about doing harm not good.  I worry that I’m going to fail.

Now, I do believe that an arrogant confidence is harmful.  In dealing with injuries and potential emergency situations, it is good to be aware of the gravity of the situation and prepare for the worst.  Agonizing and worrying constantly, however, is not preparation.  In fact, it may even have a negative impact on preparation.

And, yet, I worry.

So this morning, God graciously gave me yet another reminder of how proud and untrusting my behavior is.  He allowed me to listen to a podcast about control.  Here were the main points:

-       God’s hands are not tied.  They never have been.  They never will be.

-       It is not up to me to control outcomes, but to be a good steward of what God has given me.

-       God is in control and I am not.

So, does this mean I quit studying and preparing altogether?  No.  Does this mean that I have no responsibility in any of this?  No.  It means that God gave me certain abilities and expects me to be a good steward with them.  Being a good steward means doing everything I do as unto the Lord – preparation and execution.

I still must prepare.  I still must equip myself as best I can.  I still must cultivate my abilities.  However, this constant anxiety has to stop.  God deserves more respect than that.

God is God and I am not.