Learning from Experience

I don’t like learning from experience. I like having experience. I like knowing what to do based on experience. I just don’t like the process of learning from experience. I think experience is the best way to learn something, but if I could learn everything I need to know by reading a book and studying, I would.

Learning from experience is humbling and it’s usually hard. That’s why I don’t like it. In order to learn something through experience, you typically have to be experiencing something you’ve never done before or at least not done much. That means that you don’t know what you’re doing. And it usually means you will fail. And many times when you don’t know what you’re doing, people are watching. They are watching you, and they know you don’t know what you’re doing and they think you’re an idiot. At least that’s how it feels to me.

I don’t like to make mistakes. I really don’t like for other people to see me make mistakes. And why is that?

Pride.

Pride is my biggest struggle. It’s the sin I see most often in my life. And by most often, I mean everyday. Multiple times a day.

I want to be perfect…in everything I do…all the time. And I want everyone around me to know that I’m perfect. But you know what? I’m not. I’m far from perfect. I know that, but I still want people to think I’m perfect. How arrogant is that?

I think that if people see me as perfect, they will like me and respect me. Well, first of all, everyone won’t always like and respect me. And even if my perfection would guarantee my popularity and respect, that’s not God’s plan. God’s plan is to bring glory to Himself, and if people hating me, disrespecting me, and looking down on me brings glory to God, then that’s what needs to happen.

My humility, not my arrogance will allow people around me to see Christ. My dependence on Christ, not my pride in my abilities will turn people to Him.

God has placed me in situations lately that allow me to either choose humility or get smacked in the face with it. I’m batting about .500 in choosing humility, and that’s being generous. Many of the situations He’s placed me in are painful and difficult, regardless of if I choose humility or get smacked with it. So why would God place me in these situations?

I’ve been questioning Him about this for several weeks now. Last week at community group, a friend said something that really hit me. We were talking about qualities (in us or other people) that attract people to Christ. She said that the people who have shined the brightest for Christ in her eyes weren’t those who had it all together and seemed perfect. It was the people who seemed to struggle well with life who shined the brightest.

That hit me hard because currently I am not struggling well with life. I’m certainly struggling with life, but I’m not struggling well. That thought has stuck with me as I attempt to press on each day. In every situation, everyday, God wants me to struggle well with life that I might “shine as lights in the world” (Phil. 2.15).

Then, Oswald Chambers hammered the point home when he said, “God places His saints where they will bring the most glory to Him and we are totally incapable of judging where that may be.”

Ouch, that hurt my pride…oh wait, that was the point.

Self-Sufficient? Prideful?

God has been rocking my pride lately. It’s not hard, though, because I am an unbelievably prideful person. So it doesn’t take much to rock my pride. It’s out there, and it’s touchy (which happens to be the nature of pride), so it gets knocked around easily.

My pride comes out in different ways, at opposite ends of the spectrum. I seem to alternate between worry and anxiety (of great proportions) to arrogance to judging others. All pride. The end.

In community group a couple weeks ago, we were sharing about what God was doing in our lives. I shared that I was dealing with the pride He had been revealing in all aspects of my life. Joey, our leader, asked, “So what are you doing about that? How are you dealing with it?” That was awesome, because usually when you share what God is telling/teaching you, people just accept your answer and don’t follow up – like if you have an answer to that question you’re doing all you can and there’s no room for improvement. There is definite room for improvement in my life.

I talked about how I wasn’t really sure how to deal with my pride, but that I had been trying to speak Truth to myself and remind myself of God’s Word, especially on pride. That was true, but I hadn’t been doing a great job of it. I had little to no direction in regards to what Truth to speak to myself.

God is awesome.

Last week in the sermon, Matt (or maybe it was Scott at the end) said something to the effect of, “When I am prideful, it is unbelief. I am saying I do not believe God is who He says He is and can do what He says He can do.”

Whoa. I know, right. I mean, I would never say something like that to God…right? Well I have been…pretty much on a daily basis.

I have been praying this week about my pride, self-sufficiency, and belief in God, especially with regards to my anxiety. So what does God do this week? That’s right, kids, He starts throwing anxiety-inducing bombs at me. (It’s like what one of my youth leaders used to say – “Pray for patience, and God will give you opportunities to be patient.”)

So God gave me wonderful opportunities this week to claim my dependence on Him and give my anxiety and worry over to Him, and since this has been the focus of a great majority of my spiritual life lately, I passed this little test with flying colors, right? Nope. But don’t worry, I failed really big. If you’re going to do something, do it all the way. Go big or go home, right? Oh, I didn’t go home, that’s for sure. Let’s just say the “peak” was a slight breakdown in my car a couple days ago – tears and everything.

I’m sure God was just like, “Are you serious? Didn’t we just discuss this, this morning? Why can’t you ever just trust me with out all of these tears and freak outs?” Ok, so that’s what I would say if I was God looking at me. I’d be tempted to throw my hands up and walk away.

God is so awesome.

He didn’t throw His hands up and walk away. He did the opposite. He comforted me and showed me His amazing grace.

I was journaling again this morning about all of my worries about the future. Once I got all of that out, I decided to go through more of the material from “Foundations” (from my church). As I’m reading through the introduction to the prayer section, I came across the following:

“…we all struggle with self-sufficiency and independence. Self-sufficient people have no need for anything bigger than themselves, and thus, their prayer life is stifled!”

“If we lose sight of His holiness, sovereignty, goodness, and love, then we rely on our own abilities and we only turn to God when we have failed or disastrous circumstances strike.”

My focus is never to be on my abilities or me. It is to be on God. I do such a bad job of that on a daily basis that God continually pushes me out of my comfort zone, further into the deep end, where I have no choice but to cling to Him.

I am so thankful for His grace and His love that continually comes after me…even when I’m too busy staring in the mirror or taking inventory of my abilities. It doesn’t matter what abilities I have. It doesn’t matter how my abilities match up with my current situation. “For when I am weak, then I am strong” because God says, “My grace is sufficient for you, my power is made perfect in weakness.” (2 Corinthians 12.9-10)

I want to see God’s power. I want to see God’s power in my life. So I will boast in my weakness (or try to) and focus on His power.

Praise be to you, O Lord,

God of our father Israel,

From everlasting to everlasting.

Yours, O Lord, is the greatness and the power

And the glory and the majesty and the splendor,

For everything in heaven and earth is yours.

Yours, O Lord, is the kingdom;

You are exalted as head over all.

Wealth and honor come from you;

You are the ruler of all things.

In your hands are strength and power

To exalt and give strength to all.

Now, our God, we give you thanks,

And praise your glorious name.

1 Chronicles 29.10-13

God is God and I am Not

Maybe you already know that.  Hopefully you know that.  I know that.  Do I believe it?  Sadly, if you look at my life, you would probably say that I don’t believe that. 

Why?

Because I worry.  I worry about the future – about things that will happen; about things I will do; about the way I will respond to circumstances.  I worry about decisions I have already made.  I worry for days, weeks, even months and years…about things that are over and done; things that cannot be changed.  

I cannot change the past.  I cannot control the future.  Yesterday is done and I have zero ability to affect tomorrow today.  And yet I worry.

Lately, I have been consumed with worry about starting my new job.  Consumed may seem like a strong word, but in this situation, it may not be strong enough.  Just ask my roommate. 

I have spent hours studying and reviewing material, trying to prepare myself for anything that might happen.  I study numbers, procedures, injuries, indications, contraindications, past results, etc.  I constantly have information and scenarios running though my head.  Right now, in fact, I have several different things regarding my job running through my head.

I have neglected Bible study and prayer to study.  I hate to even type that, but it’s true.  That used to be a habit of mine in college, but, thankfully, I haven’t done that in several years…until now.

I am anxious all the time, especially at work (which, by the way, has been nothing but orientation up to this point).  I worry about making a mistake.  I worry about screwing up.  I worry about what other people think of me.  I worry about doing harm not good.  I worry that I’m going to fail.

Now, I do believe that an arrogant confidence is harmful.  In dealing with injuries and potential emergency situations, it is good to be aware of the gravity of the situation and prepare for the worst.  Agonizing and worrying constantly, however, is not preparation.  In fact, it may even have a negative impact on preparation.

And, yet, I worry.

So this morning, God graciously gave me yet another reminder of how proud and untrusting my behavior is.  He allowed me to listen to a podcast about control.  Here were the main points:

-       God’s hands are not tied.  They never have been.  They never will be.

-       It is not up to me to control outcomes, but to be a good steward of what God has given me.

-       God is in control and I am not.

So, does this mean I quit studying and preparing altogether?  No.  Does this mean that I have no responsibility in any of this?  No.  It means that God gave me certain abilities and expects me to be a good steward with them.  Being a good steward means doing everything I do as unto the Lord – preparation and execution.

I still must prepare.  I still must equip myself as best I can.  I still must cultivate my abilities.  However, this constant anxiety has to stop.  God deserves more respect than that.

God is God and I am not.