So what have I learned in the past year? Lots. But I think the biggest thing I’ve learned about, besides myself, is relationships. After some encouragement from a friend, I decided to share some of what I’ve been learning. So here’s a little excerpt from my journal. Make no mistake, I’m not “there” yet, but hopefully I’m at least taking steps in the right direction. Alright, here we go...
4/8/08 Talking…the other night was really good. It really helped me to verbalize some things and say some stuff outloud. It was interesting to hear myself speak truth about my (and all) relationships and also hear how my habits/thoughts/behaviors combat those truths. Relationships are huge. They are a gift from You, not just so we have something to do while we hang out here, but so we can get a taste of real, true relationship – relationship with You. Yes, our earthly relationships are all damaged and broken, but until we come home to be with You, it’s what we’ve got. Besides, the reason they’re broken is because we’re broken. We need to remember that. They are still a gift from You, though. So when we take them for granted or abuse them, we are abusing and damaging Your gift. When we shut ourselves off and refuse to be in relationship, we are telling You that we don’t want to know relationship, any relationship – including relationship with You.
The thing is, though, relationships are hard. They require us to humble ourselves, give up control, and give of ourselves. We must be humble enough to say we need people, that we can’t do it on our own. We need people – people placed in our lives by You – to help us.
We have to give up control of our lives and what/who affects our lives. The funny thing is, we never really have control of this – we just convince ourselves that we do. We were made to be moved – moved by love, by pain, by beauty, by sorrow. We are creatures of emotion. You made us this way. This emotion is what allows us to really know You, know Your character, hear You. But this same ability, this capacity for emotion is what leaves us feeling sad or hurt at times. Instead of embracing this emotion, allowing it to draw us closer to You, and glorifying You in it, we try to turn it off. And though we are (and will always be) unsuccessful, we still try to convince ourselves we can control it. So we run away, we build walls, we fight, we put up pretty facades over empty shells. And in the end, we still feel emotions, we still hurt, and we probably miss the lessons and the joys that You want to give us. See, that’s the thing – it’s the sad that allows us to know happy, the pain that allows us to know comfort, the turmoil that allows us to know peace, the valley that shows the height of the mountaintop. And You are in all of these places – all the time. We just have to look for You.
We think we’re in control and protecting ourselves when we build walls or run away, but all we’re doing is shutting You out or running from You. You tell us that Your yoke is easy and Your burden is light, but we refuse to exchange ours for Yours. We refuse to cast our anxieties on You. We kick and scream and try to push You away and keep You from walking with us. Why? Because we don’t believe You know what’s best. We think we know ourselves better than you know us and we care more about ourselves than You do. But that’s just not true. You created us. You knew us and placed us in our mother’s womb. You know more about us than we ever will. And You care more about us than we can even comprehend. Your love knows no bounds and we can’t even come close to knowing what that means. You died for us. You sought after us. You found us. You rescued us. So we need to throw off these lies we’ve been told and willingly give You the control.
Finally, we must give of ourselves. If we really want to have relationship, we have to open up. We have to let people in. We have to talk to them and trust them with knowledge about ourselves. We have to choose to tell them things – about our past, our emotions, our feelings, our lives. And the scary part is, we have no control over what they do with that information. We don’t know what they’re going to do with it once we give it to them. They could tell others; they could reject us, make fun of us, condemn us. They could hurt us. And chances are, all of these things (and more) have happened to us in the past, so now we’re weary. We’re cautious. We’re “smart.” Only, we’re also miserable. In being “smart” we ruin any chance of community, any chance of relationship. For it is in giving that we receive. We must give of ourselves if we want to know true relationship. It is a 2-way street; a give and take. Sure, you can just take and not give. You can just listen to what other people say and learn about them, but that’s not true relationship. So we have a choice to make. We can choose to have relationships or not. We can accept Your gift or not. We can grow deeper in our knowledge of You and your love or not. It’s our choice. You gave us that gift, too. We must decide.
4//9/08 I’m glad that You don’t view relationships like I do. I’m glad You don’t give up on any of us. I’m so thankful You continued to pursue me even when I turned my back on You. You never gave up. You never give up.
