When you hear people talk about waiting in terms of faith and spiritual life, typically there is some reference to a period of preparation for what’s ahead. You hear people talk about how years of shepherding helped prepare David for Goliath and how Joseph was prepared to lead under Pharaoh during his years in Potiphar’s house and in prison.
I like that idea. I like to think this time is teaching me something, preparing me for the future. I like to think that I’m not wasting my time, but that I am learning valuable lessons now that will be put to use later.
While I believe God is using the present to prepare me for the future, I know that there is something He cares about more than my future success and usefulness – my heart.
One question I have been challenged with recently is: If I am never useful – in ministry or otherwise – again, if I cannot contribute anything, do I still feel worthy of being God’s daughter, of being chosen and claimed by God?
That is a difficult question to answer honestly. I want to be useful. I want to be productive. I want to be needed. I find value in these things. I find my value in these things.
But God doesn’t need me. He will never need me. He doesn’t value or love me because I can do something for Him, because I can produce or contribute. His love for me is entirely based on His capacity to love, not on my ability to earn love.
“…God is love. In this the love of God was made manifest among us, that God sent his only Son into the world, so that we might live through him. In this is love, no that we have loved God but that he loved us and sent his Son to be the propitiation for our sins…We love because he first loved us.”
- 1 John 4.8-10, 19
So then the waiting is not primarily about preparation. It is about restoration. It is about being restored to what God created me to be. It’s about repentance from and forgiveness of sins. It’s about healing my heart and having my affections captured by the Lord. It is about having my heart transformed so that I, like the psalmist, might be able to say:
“You have put more joy in my heart than they have when their grain and wine abound.” – Psalm 4.7
“But I have trusted in your steadfast love; my heart shall rejoice in your salvation. I will sing to the Lord, because he has dealt bountifully with me.” – Psalm 13.5-6
“The Lord is my chosen portion and my cup; you hold my lot…Therefore my heart is glad, and my whole being rejoices; my flesh also dwells secure.” – Psalm 16.5, 10
So as I wait, I pray
“Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me.
Cast me not away from your presence and take not your Holy Spirit from me.
Restore to me the joy of your salvation, and uphold me with a willing spirit.”
– Psalm 51.10-12
Let me find thy light in my darkness,
Thy life in my death,
Thy joy in my sorrow,
Thy grace in my sin,
Thy riches in my poverty,
Thy glory in my valley.
- The Valley of Vision
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