Round 2

And we're off again...

After about a week and a half break, we started our fall semester this past Wednesday.  Break was great.  I got to spend time with family in VA, especially this guy:

Time with family was really nice and then I got to visit friends in Greenville.  I went hiking, had a cookout, checked back in at work, met up with several friends, and got to worship at Grace.  It was quite a refreshing break.  Even though it felt pretty long, after one day of class, I realized it wasn't long enough.

Ready or not, though, we're hitting the ground running on a new semester...which means only 3 semesters and less than 11 months until rotations.

This semester, we start studying pathologies by organ systems.  So most of our classes will all cover similar topics just from different angles.  For those that are curious, here's what I'm taking:

- Fundamentals of Clinical Medicine
- Clinical Problem Solving
- Pharmacotherapeutics
- Pathophysiology
- Physical Diagnosis
- Research Methods
- Community Health

We're starting with dermatology and moving on from there to EENT, endocrinology, hematology, and cardiology.  That takes us to the end of the semester...and still leaves me waiting with great anticipation for ortho - when I hope to feel like I have a slight handle on things. :)

What's it like?

I thought some of you might be wondering what studying is like, so here's a piece of it...

We are taking our head/neck/neuroanatomy tests tomorrow (practical) and Friday (radiology and written).  I'm not going to tell you how many hours I've logged in the library, Starbucks, or the cadaver lab.  That's just sad.  What I will share is a little of how learning all of this feels.

Our first 2 blocks of anatomy were musculoskeletal - split into upper and lower.  They were difficult at times, but manageable.  It was kind of like a hard puzzle.  It may seem daunting, but you know all the pieces are there and if you just take it one piece at a time, you can eventually put it all together.

The neuro block is a bit different.  At first, you approach it like the puzzle, one piece at a time.  But then you realize that in order to find the place for that one piece, you have to have 87 other pieces in place first...and you haven't ever seen or heard of 49 of those other pieces.  Then you realize, it's not like the puzzle at all.  It's actually like trying to pick up a big ball of jello.  You can't pick it up one piece at a time.  You just have to try to grab the whole thing and hope you can prevent the majority of it from slipping through your hands.

It's really messy.  I'm already sticky and tired from failed attempts.  Here's hoping I have 2 more really good attempts in me over the next 2 days.

Coming Up for Air

You know when you're a kid and you dive into the deep end of the pool to touch the bottom and then swim back up?  Do you remember what it felt like those times when you weren't sure you got quite enough air before submersion or didn't push off the bottom hard enough to get back up?  You wondered if you were going to make it back up to the top.  And then, after some of the longest seconds of your life, you made it back up to the top.  And then the very instant your mouth and nose broke the plane out of the water, you took the biggest, deepest breath.  And it felt so good.

That is what this weekend was like...ok, maybe not quite that dramatic.  But it did feel good to go about 30 hours without doing schoolwork or studying.  And now I know that I need a little bit bigger of a breath as I jump back in.

My tests last week went just fine - I think anatomy went better than physiology, but we'll see once the grades are all in.  The days were long (several 10-12 hour days on campus), but I think it paid off.

After each anatomy test, we (all of the PA, PT, OT students, as well as our professor and TAs) have a party - called a "Post Gross."  They rent out a bar (or restaurant, if you prefer) downtown and we all go hang out.  Our professor has been doing this for years and loves it.  It was great to get to hang out with people outside of class and meet some new folks, as well.

And then, to make the weekend that much better, I got a little taste of Greenville and Grace.  Joe and Stephanie were down visiting Joe's family, so I got to spend some time with them.  I also got to meet up with Wes and Mac to watch one of Mac's baseball games - sorry, no pictures, but it was great to see them!

Now, ready or not, it's time to dive back in!

The School Path

image from http://academicdepartments.musc.edu/musc/

So it’s 8:27pm on Friday, the third Friday that I have been in class (10^th day of class) and I’m taking a study break to write this blog.  My intent was to update everyone on what life looks like for me now…and I think that paints a pretty accurate picture.

It’s not as bleak as it might seem at first glance, though.  First of all, most of you know I can be nerdy at times, so studying on a Friday night would not necessarily have been an anomaly before school.  The volume has certainly increased, though.  Also, most of what I’m learning really interests me.  And if the particular topic doesn’t interest me as much, I know it’s a means to the end goal – becoming a PA.

Here’s a little synopsis of what’s been going on:

• -       Moved to Charleston on May 18
• -       Started orientation on May 22
• -       Started class on May 24
• -       My first tests will be June 11, 13, and 14

The classes I’m currently taking are:

• -       Gross Anatomy (yes, cadavers and all)
• -       Physiology (which will turn into Pathophysiology)
• -       Pharmacology
• -       Bioethics and Behavioral Medicine
• -       Intro to the PA Profession
• -       Inter-professional Project (with PT and OT students)

I spend roughly 25 hours per week in class, as in being taught.  I’m usually on campus studying with groups and/or tutors when I’m not in class during the day – will probably end up being around 8-10 hours/day on campus and then studying on my own (or at least off campus in a group) at night.  Weekends are for catch-up – both sleep and study.

They have thrown a ton of information at us from day one.  No one expects us to learn it all…but they do expect us to learn a lot.  The way I look at it is this is my job (granted, I’m paying to do this work), so I’m going to work as hard as I can at it.

A friend back home told/warned me that this would be like trying to drink from a fire hydrant – you can’t drink it all, just don’t get hurt. 

I’ll update the blog when I can so that those of you who are interested can keep up.  I promise no pictures of cadavers, April. 

Encouraging Conversations

God continues to pull me back into Him, reminding me of His power, His provision, His blessing, and His calling on my life.  His Spirit is opening my eyes again and awakening my heart to His leading more and more.  It has been such a sweet reminder that He is in the details of my life and has never left me, even when I turned from His leading.

A few weeks ago, I went to Charleston with a friend in preparation for my move in May.  The weekend as a whole was very encouraging and increased my excitement for moving and starting school, and helped solidify confidence in my decision. 

I found myself in the middle of a very interesting conversation the first night.  The family we stayed with is involved in medical missions, so it didn’t take long for that topic to come up.  As we started talking about missions, the conversation moved to my past and future involvement in missions.  As we were talking, I heard myself speaking so naturally about my hopes for future mission involvement, and remembered very clearly God’s call for me to use whatever opportunities He gives me (medical or otherwise) for His purposes.

As I heard words of excitement and joy for God’s work coming out of my mouth, though, I also had the thought, “Do I even deserve to be in this conversation?  Am I worthy of saying the things that I am saying?  After the struggles, drifting, sin, and general shortcomings that have become so clear over the past year, who am I to share in the joy of missions?”

The answer to those questions is that I am even less worthy than I know.  My sin is worse than I can see or believe.  I don’t deserve to experience God’s work in the lives of others any more than I deserve to experience His grace in my life.

…but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us. – Romans 5.8

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” – 2 Corinthians 12.9

I have known and quoted these verses for years, believing I understood them.  And I did understand them to an extent.  But until I truly understand the depths of my sin and brokenness, I cannot fully understand His grace.  So I still do not fully grasp the power and thoroughness of His grace. 

The more God reveals Himself to me, though, the more I see my sin, and the more opportunity there is to see His grace.  That is not automatic, though.  I must continually be reminded of His love and acceptance of me based on nothing but the blood of Christ in order to experience His grace.  Otherwise, the revelation of my sin only leads straight to the pit.  As one who daily receives grace, then, I am called to daily show grace and lead others to the Giver of grace.

My prayer, like that of Paul, then, is

If I must boast, I will boast of the things that show my weakness. – 2 Corinthians 11.30

Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.  For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities.  For when I am weak, then I am strong. – 2 Corinthians 12.9-10

My desire, though I am far from it, is to struggle well in grace and invite others to struggle well with me.

Lessons in the Father's Love

Carlyn and Wyatt

I had a blog ready to go about a week and a half ago, but someone sped up life and I didn’t get to it.  It will be up soon, but I don’t want to wait on this thought…

Last Thursday morning, I found out that I had officially become an aunt.  I already knew I was excited for Wyatt’s arrival and would have so many emotions surrounding his birth, but I had no way of knowing how much I would love him. 

As I arrived at the hospital, it was almost surreal to think that my little sister now had a little baby.  Carlyn took me into the nursery to see him, and I fought back tears.  There he was – this tiny little baby that God breathed life into.  I just wanted to sit and stare at him.  All I kept thinking was how much I wanted to love him and protect him and do anything I could to make him healthy and strong…and I’m not even his mom.  

I love children.  But I have never felt such a strong desire to keep anyone from harm.  I have never felt such a strong responsibility to love someone.  And he’s not even my child.

As I was driving home, God brought this verse to mind:

If you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask him! – Matthew 7.11

I am evil and my heart is corrupt, selfish, and broken.  And yet, all I want to do is love and protect this little baby that is not even my child.  God’s love is perfect.  I would not even have a glimpse of what love was without God giving me that ability.  And what I do know of love is less than a dim shadow of His true love.

Why would I ever doubt his love for me?  Why would I ever think He desires anything less that what is best for me? 

I have loved you with an everlasting love… - Jeremiah 31.3

Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good,

            For his steadfast love endures forever. – Psalm 136.1

See what kind of love the Father has given to us, that we should be called children of God; and so we are. – 1 John 3.1

Old Emails

I came across some old emails the other day.  They were from about 3 years ago (yes, I am a packrat – doing better with actual papers, but thankful for electronic storage).  I had just started to settle down in Greenville.  I hadn’t been back in the US for a year yet.  I was meeting new people, figuring out my job, finding a church, etc.

It was kind of fun to read through some of those first emails with people who I now call some of my closest friends.  Some of them were really funny and awkward, just because I had never met the folks and was trying to become friends over email.  I’m not sure how they got past my awkwardness, but so glad they did.

As sweet as it was to relive those memories, I was struck by something disheartening, almost shocking.  I was reading the emails of a different person.  Rarely, now, do my emails, phone calls, or other conversations sound like they did 3 years ago. 

That girl was so hopeful.  She was confident in what she knew God was directing her towards.  She was mindful of what God was doing in the large and small things around her.  She anticipated spiritual conversations and seized opportunities to put more faith in God and encourage others to do the same.

And as I sat there, all I could think was, “That’s not me…not anymore.”

I was heartbroken.  How have I let that passion fade?  Who have I become?  Where am I headed?

The past 4 years have been difficult.  Transition back to the States lasted as long as my time overseas, maybe longer.  And it seems, in many ways, to have been followed by a spiritual valley.  We all have to come down from the mountain at some point.  And even though every moment overseas wasn’t “mountain top” awesome, it was the mountain for me, spiritually. 

Though we feel closer to God and stronger in our faith on the mountain, that is not where life happens.  Our faith is lived out away from the mountain.  Our faith is refined away from the mountain.  As Oswald Chambers puts it, “The power of the saint lies in the coming down and in the living that is done in the valley.”

So how can we be sure we don’t falter or fade once we come down from the mountain?  How can we keep our faith constant and remain steadfast in Him?

We can’t.  We are not able.  We are not constant.  We are broken. 

But God is not.  He is able.  He is constant.

Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever.  – Hebrews 13.8

For I the Lord do not change. – Malachi 3.3

Our ability to remain in Him rests solely on Him.  He is our Constant One. 

When everything in and around us changes.  When nothing feels stable.  When our faith fades.  He is the same. 

“Believe God is the God you know Him to be when you are closest to Him.” - Chambers

He does not change, and His love for us remains the same.

He is the same God who revealed Himself on the mountaintop and in the fire.  He is the same God who initially drew us to Himself.  And He will draw us back to Himself.  He will draw us through His Word, through His people, through song…and sometimes through old emails.

New Year

New Year.  New beginning.  New opportunity.  New chances. 

For many, those words bring hope.  There is anticipation that things could change for the better; that things can improve.  For many, that’s what is desired; what is needed.  I know a lot of people who want to forget 2012. 

For me, 2012 was a very difficult year, for a number of reasons.  Struggle is a good way to describe the past year.  I struggled to make decisions.  I struggled to balance my schedule and my life.  I struggled to build and strengthen relationships.  I struggled to hold onto relationships, and struggled to let others go.  I struggled through illness and death of people I love.  And all the while, I struggled to understand why.

I desperately desired a reason for events and circumstances.  I would still like to understand why things played out the way they did.  I will likely never fully know or fully understand, though.  I was reminded at Christmas that even if God did choose to explain it all to me, I wouldn’t understand.

For he is not man, as I am… - Job 9.32

God is perfect.  His plan is perfect.  His knowledge is perfect.  His understanding is perfect.  There is nothing about me that is perfect, except that which God has put in me.  With human capabilities and imperfect understanding, I should not expect understandable answers to all of my ‘Why?’ questions.

What I can understand is that we have a Savior who knows and understands every thought, emotion, and question.

Since then we have a great high priest who has passed through the heavens, Jesus, the Son of God, let us hold fast our confession.  For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weakness, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin.  Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in the time of need.

– Hebrews 4.14-16

He knows.  He understands.  He cares. 

He knows we live in a broken world.  He understands that it is difficult, painful, and trying.  He cares about the things that harm His children.

He knew that because of sin not only is this world broken, but also our ability to receive salvation on our own.  He understood that our salvation would require a perfect sacrifice.  He cared about our salvation enough to become that sacrifice.

Since therefore the children share in the flesh and blood, he himself likewise partook of the same things, that through death he might destroy the one who has the power of death, that is, the devil, and deliver all those who through fear of death were subject to lifelong slavery.  – Hebrews 2.14-15

Struggle is part of this life, part of this world.  We are constantly reminded of the brokenness that surrounds us.  But we must not forget that our Savior understands our struggle – He lived and breathed it.  We must also not forget that our Savior defeated the ultimate struggle, and we, too, are ultimately victorious through Him.