I'm Not Patient

I’m not patient.  I’m not good at waiting.  I want to see movement.  See it.  Not just know it’s happening.  I want to be able to look back, see where I started, and know that I’ve made progress to where I am standing right now.

This past year has not done that for me.

And I haven’t handled it too well.

As I stand here now, looking back, I see a lot of ruts where I was spinning my wheels but not going anywhere.  At the time I thought I was doing good things.  I thought I was making progress.  I may have done some good, but ultimately I was not being obedient to what God was calling me to.

I wasn’t even listening to what God was calling me to, at times. 

I heard Him say, “wait.”  I heard Him say, “not now.”  And instead of being obedient and trusting God to move me at the right time, I came up with stuff to do on my own.  I made my own plans and hoped He’d go along with them. 

He didn’t.

He let me try my plans.  He let me fill my schedule and come up with all sorts of tasks to do.  He let me forsake rest and Sabbath.  He let me live with zero margin.  He did all of that because He loves me.

And now I’m tired.  I’m tired, burned out, and just feeling done.  And God is still here, beside me, waiting for me to finally listen.  He is patiently waiting on me when I refused to wait on Him.  He is here to renew me.  He is here to give me energy, hope, and joy.  And He’s doing all of that because He loves me.

Waiting and resting feel counterintuitive to what I’m trying to do.  They seem to be working against the goal.  I would say they are for weak people who can’t hack it.  That’s not what the Bible says, though.

For thus said the Lord GOD, the Holy One of Israel,
“In repentance and rest you shall be saved;
in quietness and in trust shall be your strength.”

-       Isaiah 30.15

Repentance and rest brings salvation.  Quietness and trust brings strength.  But I, like Israel, refuse to trust in that.

But you were unwilling, and you said,
“No! We will flee upon horses”;
therefore you shall flee away;
and, “We will ride upon swift steeds”;
therefore your pursuers shall be swift.

A thousand shall flee at the threat of one;
at the threat of five you shall flee,
till you are left
like a flagstaff on the top of a mountain,
like a signal on a hill.

- Isaiah 30.15-17

Israel trusted in their alliances and perceived strength.  Both failed them.  I trust in my plans and own strength.  Both fail me.

God does not fail.  He does not disappoint.  He does not abandon.

Therefore the LORD waits to be gracious to you,
and therefore he exalts himself to show mercy to you.
For the LORD is a God of justice;
blessed are all those who wait for him.

- Isaiah 30.18

Blessed are those who wait for Him.