Encouraging Conversations

God continues to pull me back into Him, reminding me of His power, His provision, His blessing, and His calling on my life.  His Spirit is opening my eyes again and awakening my heart to His leading more and more.  It has been such a sweet reminder that He is in the details of my life and has never left me, even when I turned from His leading.

A few weeks ago, I went to Charleston with a friend in preparation for my move in May.  The weekend as a whole was very encouraging and increased my excitement for moving and starting school, and helped solidify confidence in my decision. 

I found myself in the middle of a very interesting conversation the first night.  The family we stayed with is involved in medical missions, so it didn’t take long for that topic to come up.  As we started talking about missions, the conversation moved to my past and future involvement in missions.  As we were talking, I heard myself speaking so naturally about my hopes for future mission involvement, and remembered very clearly God’s call for me to use whatever opportunities He gives me (medical or otherwise) for His purposes.

As I heard words of excitement and joy for God’s work coming out of my mouth, though, I also had the thought, “Do I even deserve to be in this conversation?  Am I worthy of saying the things that I am saying?  After the struggles, drifting, sin, and general shortcomings that have become so clear over the past year, who am I to share in the joy of missions?”

The answer to those questions is that I am even less worthy than I know.  My sin is worse than I can see or believe.  I don’t deserve to experience God’s work in the lives of others any more than I deserve to experience His grace in my life.

…but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us. – Romans 5.8

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” – 2 Corinthians 12.9

I have known and quoted these verses for years, believing I understood them.  And I did understand them to an extent.  But until I truly understand the depths of my sin and brokenness, I cannot fully understand His grace.  So I still do not fully grasp the power and thoroughness of His grace. 

The more God reveals Himself to me, though, the more I see my sin, and the more opportunity there is to see His grace.  That is not automatic, though.  I must continually be reminded of His love and acceptance of me based on nothing but the blood of Christ in order to experience His grace.  Otherwise, the revelation of my sin only leads straight to the pit.  As one who daily receives grace, then, I am called to daily show grace and lead others to the Giver of grace.

My prayer, like that of Paul, then, is

If I must boast, I will boast of the things that show my weakness. – 2 Corinthians 11.30

Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.  For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities.  For when I am weak, then I am strong. – 2 Corinthians 12.9-10

My desire, though I am far from it, is to struggle well in grace and invite others to struggle well with me.

Old Emails

I came across some old emails the other day.  They were from about 3 years ago (yes, I am a packrat – doing better with actual papers, but thankful for electronic storage).  I had just started to settle down in Greenville.  I hadn’t been back in the US for a year yet.  I was meeting new people, figuring out my job, finding a church, etc.

It was kind of fun to read through some of those first emails with people who I now call some of my closest friends.  Some of them were really funny and awkward, just because I had never met the folks and was trying to become friends over email.  I’m not sure how they got past my awkwardness, but so glad they did.

As sweet as it was to relive those memories, I was struck by something disheartening, almost shocking.  I was reading the emails of a different person.  Rarely, now, do my emails, phone calls, or other conversations sound like they did 3 years ago. 

That girl was so hopeful.  She was confident in what she knew God was directing her towards.  She was mindful of what God was doing in the large and small things around her.  She anticipated spiritual conversations and seized opportunities to put more faith in God and encourage others to do the same.

And as I sat there, all I could think was, “That’s not me…not anymore.”

I was heartbroken.  How have I let that passion fade?  Who have I become?  Where am I headed?

The past 4 years have been difficult.  Transition back to the States lasted as long as my time overseas, maybe longer.  And it seems, in many ways, to have been followed by a spiritual valley.  We all have to come down from the mountain at some point.  And even though every moment overseas wasn’t “mountain top” awesome, it was the mountain for me, spiritually. 

Though we feel closer to God and stronger in our faith on the mountain, that is not where life happens.  Our faith is lived out away from the mountain.  Our faith is refined away from the mountain.  As Oswald Chambers puts it, “The power of the saint lies in the coming down and in the living that is done in the valley.”

So how can we be sure we don’t falter or fade once we come down from the mountain?  How can we keep our faith constant and remain steadfast in Him?

We can’t.  We are not able.  We are not constant.  We are broken. 

But God is not.  He is able.  He is constant.

Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever.  – Hebrews 13.8

For I the Lord do not change. – Malachi 3.3

Our ability to remain in Him rests solely on Him.  He is our Constant One. 

When everything in and around us changes.  When nothing feels stable.  When our faith fades.  He is the same. 

“Believe God is the God you know Him to be when you are closest to Him.” - Chambers

He does not change, and His love for us remains the same.

He is the same God who revealed Himself on the mountaintop and in the fire.  He is the same God who initially drew us to Himself.  And He will draw us back to Himself.  He will draw us through His Word, through His people, through song…and sometimes through old emails.

Draw Near

"Since then we have a great high priest who has passed through the heavens, Jesus, the Son of God, let us hold fast our confession. For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin. Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need." - Hebrews 4.14-16

I think we all frequently find ourselves in places of "weakness" and "in time if need." I know I do, so when God brought me to this verse today, it brought me to tears...big ones. He then began to reveal my weaknesses and needs to me - weaknesses and needs He already knew about. Not only did He already know about them, but He already took those weaknesses on Himself. He continues to offer to bear our burdens for us if only we will let Him.

"Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.” - Matthew 11.28-30

Why would He do this for us? Why would He do this for me? I'm such a mess. To think that He would take my sin on Himself is a humbling and amazing thought.

"But when Christ appeared as a high priest of the good things that have come, then through the greater and more perfect tent (not made with hands, that is, not of this creation) he entered once for all into the holy places, not by means of the blood of goats and calves but by means of his own blood, thus securing an eternal redemption. For if the blood of goats and bulls, and the sprinkling of defiled persons with the ashes of a heifer, sanctify for the purification of the flesh, how much more will the blood of Christ, who through the eternal Spirit offered himself without blemish to God, purify our conscience from dead works to serve the living God.

Therefore he is the mediator of a new covenant, so that those who are called may receive the promised eternal inheritance, since a death has occurred that redeems them from the transgressions committed under the first covenant." - Hebrews 9.11-15

"Indeed, under the law almost everything is purified with blood, and without the shedding of blood there is no forgiveness of sins.

Thus it was necessary for the copies of the heavenly things to be purified with these rites, but the heavenly things themselves with better sacrifices than these. For Christ has entered, not into holy places made with hands, which are copies of the true things, but into heaven itself, now to appear in the presence of God on our behalf. Nor was it to offer himself repeatedly, as the high priest enters the holy places every year with blood not his own, for then he would have had to suffer repeatedly since the foundation of the world. But as it is, he has appeared once for all at the end of the ages to put away sin by the sacrifice of himself." - Hebrews 9.22-26

"But in these sacrifices there is a reminder of sins every year. For it is impossible for the blood of bulls and goats to take away sins...

then he (Christ) added, “Behold, I have come to do your will.” He does away with the first in order to establish the second. And by that will we have been sanctified through the offering of the body of Jesus Christ once for all.

And every priest stands daily at his service, offering repeatedly the same sacrifices, which can never take away sins. But when Christ had offered for all time a single sacrifice for sins, he sat down at the right hand of God, waiting from that time until his enemies should be made a footstool for his feet. For by a single offering he has perfected for all time those who are being sanctified." - Hebrews 10.3-4, 9-14

"Therefore, brothers, since we have confidence to enter the holy places by the blood of Jesus, by the new and living way that he opened for us through the curtain, that is, through his flesh, and since we have a great priest over the house of God, let us draw near with a true heart in full assurance of faith, with our hearts sprinkled clean from an evil conscience and our bodies washed with pure water." - Hebrews 10.19-22

We can draw near because Christ drew near to the Father when He came to earth for us.

"And when he came to the place, he said to them, “Pray that you may not enter into temptation.” And he withdrew from them about a stone’s throw, and knelt down and prayed, saying, “Father, if you are willing, remove this cup from me. Nevertheless, not my will, but yours, be done.” And there appeared to him an angel from heaven, strengthening him. And being in an agony he prayed more earnestly; and his sweat became like great drops of blood falling down to the ground." - Luke 22.40-44

We can draw near because He prayed that we would.

“I do not ask for these only, but also for those who will believe in me through their word, that they may all be one, just as you, Father, are in me, and I in you, that they also may be in us, so that the world may believe that you have sent me. The glory that you have given me I have given to them, that they may be one even as we are one, I in them and you in me, that they may become perfectly one, so that the world may know that you sent me and loved them even as you loved me." - John 17.20-23

We must draw near so that we can have confidence and endurance.

"Therefore do not throw away your confidence, which has a great reward. For you have need of endurance, so that when you have done the will of God you may receive what is promised. For,

“Yet a little while,
and the coming one will come and will not delay;
but my righteous one shall live by faith,
and if he shrinks back,
my soul has no pleasure in him.”

But we are not of those who shrink back and are destroyed, but of those who have faith and preserve their souls." - Hebrews 10.35-39

Personality (Part 4)

Last weekend, my friend (and I use the term loosely now - kidding), April and I were talking about different personality types. She had read my previous blogs on personality types, and did a little more research. She was giving me more insight into my personality (INFJ). She decided to begin with my negative personality traits, because, as she informed me, there were so many of them. In fact, there are many more negative traits for my type than hers, and there are more negative traits than positive ones - according to her research. Not to worry, though, April tells me that I have a lot of potential if I can just overcome these flaws. I'm so thankful that she worked so hard researching this so I can give you the following excerpt:

Potential Problem Areas

With any gift of strength, there is an associated weakness. Without "bad", there would be no "good". Without "difficult", there would be no "easy". We value our strengths, but we often curse and ignore our weaknesses. To grow as a person and get what we want out of life, we must not only capitalize upon our strengths, but also face our weaknesses and deal with them. That means taking a hard look at our personality type's potential problem areas.

INFJs are rare and intelligent people with many special gifts. This should be kept in mind as you read some of the more negative material about INFJ weaknesses. Remember that these weaknesses are natural. We offer this information to enact positive change, rather than as blatant criticism. We want you to grow into your full potential, and be the happiest and most successful person that you can become.

Most of the weaker characteristics that are found in INFJs are due to their dominant function (Introverted iNtuition) overtaking their personality to the point that the other forces in their personality exist merely to serve the purposes of Introverted iNtuition. In such cases, an INFJ may show some or all of the following weaknesses in varying degrees:

• May be unaware (and sometimes uncaring) of how they come across to others
• May quickly dismiss input from others without really considering it
• May apply their judgment more often towards others, rather than towards themselves
• With their ability to see an issue from many sides, they may always find others at fault for any problems in their lives
• May have unrealistic and/or unreasonable expectations of others
• May be intolerant of weaknesses in others
• May believe that they're always right
• May be obsessive and passionate about details that may be unimportant to the big picture
• May be cuttingly derisive and sarcastic towards others
• May have an intense and quick temper
• May be tense, wound up, have high blood pressure and find it difficult to relax
• May hold grudges, and have difficulty forgiving people
• May be wishy-washy and unsure how to act in situations that require quick decision making
• May have difficulty communicating their thoughts and feelings to others
• May see so many tangents everywhere that they can't stay focused on the bottom line or the big picture

(Taken from http://www.personalitypage.com/INFJ_per.html)

In all seriousness, though, it's crucial to recognize the negative aspects of our personalities just as we recognize the positive ones. It helps us to see how other people might perceive us and how we could offend or hurt people without knowing it. Looking at how certain spiritual gifts could be abused helped me recognize gifts I didn't know I had.

As I look at this list, I realize that many of them are things I struggle with. God has done a tremendous work in me and has redeemed me graciously. The process of sanctification is not done, though, so I still fail in many of the ways listed above. But April is right, I can overcome these flaws...but not in my own power. It is only when I surrender everything - gifts, flaws, abilities, failures - to the Lord that He will work through me and in me.

"So God created man in his own image,

in the image of God he created him;

male and female he created them"

- Genesis 1.27

We were made in the image of God - perfection. When sin entered the world, that perfection was destroyed. But through the blood of Christ and His resurrection, God brings restoration. Only through Him do our flaws bring glory to Him.

"'My grace is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weakness so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weakness...For when I am weak, then I am strong."

- 2 Corinthians 12.9-10