What Submission is Not

Since I have been sharing some things I'm learning about relationships and marriage and submission, I thought I'd share a recent article I saw on The Resurgence.

10 Things Submission Is Not

"Whether single or married, submission is a core heart issue revealing one’s dependence upon God."

Christ Centered Relationships Part 1

Several weeks ago, a friend sent me a series of messages done by Francis and Lisa Chan on relationships. You may be familiar with Francis Chan - author of Crazy Love and Forgotten God. In 2008, he had his wife, Lisa, join him on stage to talk about marriage and relationships. It is one of the best series on marriage I've heard.

The main point is that we need to view marriage (and all relationships) through an eternal lens; through a Gospel lens.

"If then you have been raised with Christ, seek the things that are above, where Christ is, seated as the right hand of God." - Colossians 3.1

If we were truly seeking things that are above, our view of all relationships on this earth would change. Our eyes would be turned from ourselves, and our selfish desires, to Christ and to others. We would take Jesus' words seriously when He tells us:

"You shall love the Lord our God with all your heart and with all your should and with all you mind. This is the great and first commandment. And a second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as yourself." - Matthew 22.37-39

That is real love. As it is, our love is selfish - broken and sinful just like the rest of the world. We are not capable of perfect love here and now, though that is what we should strive for. While we can't love perfectly, we can receive perfect love.

"So we have come to know and to believe the love that God has for us. God is love, and whoever abides in love abides in God, and God abides in him." - 1 John 4.16

This is why Paul Tripp says in What Did You Expect?, "Love seeks vertical fulfillment so it can horizontally serve." Our fulfillment comes from Christ. He is the only one who can truly fill us. Tripp also states, “Love means you never ask your spouse to do for you what only God can do.”

Asking your spouse (or future spouse) to fulfill you is completely unreasonable, and is actually unloving since it’s setting them up for failure (not to mention setting yourself up for disappointment). It is impossible for someone, anyone, no matter how wonderful they are, to provide for you what only Christ can provide (and has provided) through His death on the cross.

It’s just so easy for us to seek fulfillment in another person. It may be even easier for single people to do this because we get to make up our own version of our future spouse in our heads. It’s easy to think, “Once I get married, my husband will totally understand me and support me. Everything will be easier.” Wrong. He’ll probably misunderstand me often, not because he wants to, but because communication is difficult and flawed. We won’t always be on the same page. We will argue.

These are all things that can be overcome with grace, though, if I am resting in Christ as my fulfillment and trusting Christ in my husband. If, however, I have put unrealistic expectations on that person, those problems will only become magnified and multiplied as we add in disillusionment and disappointment.

A Gospel perspective of marriage recognizes the need for intimate community, as well as the power of marriage. That power is not just for the betterment of the individuals or the couple, though that will be one result. Marriage is a tool used by God to show the relationship between Christ and the Church, and is used to bring others into His Kingdom.

That’s the ultimate goal in any relationship and in our lives – Christ and His Kingdom. If I am seeking that, with my eyes on Christ, it will overflow into all of my relationships. However, as Tripp puts it, “If I am not loving God as my king, I will set up my own kingdom and live for myself.”

No one wants to be a part of my kingdom. It’s crap. I can’t save anyone, and my kingdom is good for no one, not even me.

"If then you have been raised with Christ, seek the things that are above, where Christ is, seated as the right hand of God." - Colossians 3.1

Because in the end, it’s not about me, and that’s a good thing.

I couldn't get the video of Francis and Lisa's message to load, but you can watch it here for now.

You can also download the series at cornerstonesimi.com. They are from July/Aug 2008 and titled, "Christ Centered Relationships"

Where Have the Good Men Gone?

I just read this article – “Where Have the Good Men Gone?” – because I saw it on a tweet. I thought about just retweeting it, which is what I typically do with things I agree with and want other people to read, but I really felt like God wanted me to respond in a different way.

I think that by now all of us have recognized the extended adolescence being lived out by many guys in their 20s and 30s. It’s not breaking news. So I’m not going to talk about that directly. What I want to speak to is the female response, particularly the Christian, female response.

Ladies, we have not responded well to our brothers’ struggle. We have not treated them as brothers. We have not honored Christ in the way we treat, speak to, and speak about our brothers. [And, by the way, when I say “we” I mainly mean “I”, but I think there’s probably one or two others of you out there, so I’m including you. You’re welcome.]

As Kay Hymowitz says in the article, “Women put up with [the man in extended adolescence] for a while, but then in fear and disgust … give up…” I think that we believe that this is going to make them snap out of it or something. “But these rational choices on the part of women only serve to legitimize men's attachment to the sand box. Why should they grow up? No one needs them anyway. There's nothing they have to do,” explains Hymowitz.

If someone “put up” with me for awhile and then just gave up on me, I’d probably be pretty discouraged. And you know what, they could do the exact same thing to us. Have you read 1 Peter 3.3-4 recently?

“Do not let your adorning be external—the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear—but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God’s sight is very precious.”

And I don’t even need to type out Proverbs 31.

I don’t know about you, but I don’t live up to this everyday – and by that I mean that I fail at this pretty much daily. But you know what doesn’t help me strive toward this? Having people give up on me. Being discouraged by others. Being reminded of my personal failure instead of Christ’s victory over my failure on the cross.

Ladies, we were created to come alongside men and be an essential counterpart to them.

Then the LORD God said, “It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit fore him.” – Genesis 2.18

The word helper in this verse means essential counterpart. Do you know what’s not essential? Discouragement, disdain, unhealthy criticism, gossip.

Yes, men were created to lead – to pursue, provide, protect. Yes, it is very frustrating when they are not doing that, especially when they clearly have the capacity and potential for it. But our disdain for and lack of confidence in them is not what they need.

There are certainly times when we can help hold our brothers accountable, though I believe this more often falls to another male. Specifically in this context, though, I believe that more often than not, our role as single women in the lives of single men is to encourage them, instill confidence, and entrust them to lead. This is in all arenas – dating, friendships, work relationships, ministry, etc.

More than anything, though, we need to pray for them. We need to pray for God to move in our generation. We need to pray for God to change our hearts, as women, to be empathetic to their struggle of passivity, to understand the weight that comes with leadership. We need to pray that their confidence will not be in their own abilities, but in Christ’s power in their weakness. We need to pray that the men around us will be following Christ so intently that they can’t help but step up and lead.

When we see our brothers stepping up, taking their responsibilities seriously, and leading, we need to affirm them. When they fail, we don’t need to point that out or “give up” on them. We need to come alongside of them, speak Truth to them, and encourage them to continue moving forward.

I know it sometimes seems easier to just do our own thing, independently, and hope that one day they’ll “catch up” to us. But here’s the thing, for us to become autonomous is just as backwards as men being passive. Neither action is as God designed and both are sinful.

The world doesn’t need to see just how independent we can be as women in the same way it doesn’t need to see how much men can act like little boys and shirk off all responsibility.

It is only when we are both living as God designed that the world gets a complete picture of the image of God. We’re in this together – like it or not.

*I am so thankful for the teaching of Grace Church on Biblical Manhood and Womanhood. The more I learn, the further I feel I have to go, but the more encouraged I am at the same time.

Personality (Part 3)

The test results also gave a link to an essay on Idealists (those possessing the iNtuitive and Feeling Character traits). Again I’ve highlighted in blue some things I think apply most to me. Feel free to comment.

All Idealists (NFs) share the following core characteristics:

Idealists are enthusiastic, they trust their intuition, yearn for romance, seek their true self, prize meaningful relationships, and dream of attaining wisdom.

Idealists pride themselves on being loving, kindhearted, and authentic.

Idealists tend to be giving, trusting, spiritual, and they are focused on personal journeys and human potentials.

Idealists make intense mates, nurturing parents, and inspirational leaders.

Idealists, as a temperament, are passionately concerned with personal growth and development. Idealists strive to discover who they are and how they can become their best possible self -- always this quest for self-knowledge and self-improvement drives their imagination. And they want to help others make the journey. Idealists are naturally drawn to working with people, and whether in education or counseling, in social services or personnel work, in journalism or the ministry, they are gifted at helping others find their way in life, often inspiring them to grow as individuals and to fulfill their potentials.

Idealists are sure that friendly cooperation is the best way for people to achieve their goals. Conflict and confrontation upset them because they seem to put up angry barriers between people. Idealists dream of creating harmonious, even caring personal relations, and they have a unique talent for helping people get along with each other and work together for the good of all. Such interpersonal harmony might be a romantic ideal, but then Idealists are incurable romantics who prefer to focus on what might be, rather than what is. The real, practical world is only a starting place for Idealists; they believe that life is filled with possibilities waiting to be realized, rich with meanings calling out to be understood. This idea of a mystical or spiritual dimension to life, the "not visible" or the "not yet" that can only be known through intuition or by a leap of faith, is far more important to Idealists than the world of material things.

Highly ethical in their actions, Idealists hold themselves to a strict standard of personal integrity. They must be true to themselves and to others, and they can be quite hard on themselves when they are dishonest, or when they are false or insincere. More often, however, Idealists are the very soul of kindness. Particularly in their personal relationships, Idealists are without question filled with love and good will. They believe in giving of themselves to help others; they cherish a few warm, sensitive friendships; they strive for a special rapport with their children; and in marriage they wish to find a "soulmate," someone with whom they can bond emotionally and spiritually, sharing their deepest feelings and their complex inner worlds.

Idealists are relatively rare, making up no more than 15 to 20 percent of the population. But their ability to inspire people with their enthusiasm and their idealism has given them influence far beyond their numbers.

Princess Diana, Joan Baez, Albert Schweitzer, Bill Moyers, Eleanor Roosevelt, Mohandas Gandhi, Mikhael Gorbachev, and Oprah Winfrey are examples of Idealists

This came from:

http://keirsey.com/handler.aspx?s=keirsey&f=fourtemps&tab=3&c=overview

Personality (Part 2)

The first link the personality test results gave me was to an essay on my specific personality type. I have highlighted in blue the things I think most apply to me. I think other people often do a better job of seeing aspects of your personality, though, and can tell you how you are perceived. So I’d love to hear your perspective. If you see things in this that you think really apply (or maybe don’t apply at all) to me, leave a comment.

And, again, if you want to put a link to your blog results of your test, leave it in the comments section.

Counselors (INFJ) have an exceptionally strong desire to contribute to the welfare of others, and find great personal fulfillment interacting with people, nurturing their personal development, guiding them to realize their human potential. Although they are happy working at jobs (such as writing) that require solitude and close attention, Counselors do quite well with individuals or groups of people, provided that the personal interactions are not superficial, and that they find some quiet, private time every now and then to recharge their batteries. Counselors are both kind and positive in their handling of others; they are great listeners and seem naturally interested in helping people with their personal problems. Not usually visible leaders, Counselors prefer to work intensely with those close to them, especially on a one-to-one basis, quietly exerting their influence behind the scenes.

Counselors are scarce, little more than one percent of the population, and can be hard to get to know, since they tend not to share their innermost thoughts or their powerful emotional reactions except with their loved ones. They are highly private people, with an unusually rich, complicated inner life. Friends or colleagues who have known them for years may find sides emerging which come as a surprise. Not that Counselors are flighty or scattered; they value their integrity a great deal, but they have mysterious, intricately woven personalities which sometimes puzzle even them.

Counselors tend to work effectively in organizations. They value staff harmony and make every effort to help an organization run smoothly and pleasantly. They understand and use human systems creatively, and are good at consulting and cooperating with others. As employees or employers, Counselors are concerned with people's feelings and are able to act as a barometer of the feelings within the organization.

Blessed with vivid imaginations, Counselors are often seen as the most poetical of all the types, and in fact they use a lot of poetic imagery in their everyday language. Their great talent for language-both written and spoken-is usually directed toward communicating with people in a personalized way. Counselors are highly intuitive and can recognize another's emotions or intentions - good or evil - even before that person is aware of them. Counselors themselves can seldom tell how they came to read others' feelings so keenly.

Mohandas Gandhi, Sidney Poitier, Eleanor Roosevelt, Jane Goodall, Emily Bronte, Sir Alec Guiness, Carl Jung, Mary Baker Eddy, Queen Noor are examples of the Counselor Idealist (INFJ).

This came from:

http://keirsey.com/handler.aspx?s=keirsey&f=fourtemps&tab=3&c=counselor

Personality (Part 1)

So I’ve been going through materials from “Foundations” at Grace Church (it’s a study on the core values of my church). In looking at the ‘Relationally Connected’ section, one of the suggestions for growth was to take a personality test to see how you might relate to others and how others perceive you. Well, that stuff is so interesting to me, and since yet another of Greenville’s famous blizzards has given me the day off work, I decided to take a couple online tests.

These things really get more interesting every time I look at them. God is amazing. He creates us all so uniquely and purposefully (Psalm 139.13-16). He even gave psychologists amazing and inquisitive brains to study people and come up with personality types. I am so thankful for the work that people have put in to help me learn more about myself and why I do/think the way I do.

The first test I took (and liked the best) is here if you want to take it (it doesn’t take long):

http://www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/JTypes2.asp

The results told me I was INFJ (which I think I knew from a previous test). Specifically, according to this test, I am Moderately/33% Introverted, Moderately/38% iNtuitive, Moderately/38% Feeling, and Very/78% Judging.

The results were interesting, but most interesting to me were the short essays/explanations of my personality type that the test results gave me links to. God has been speaking to me a lot lately about my abilities and Spiritual Gifts (which are two different/separate things), and I have been praying about how these gifts are to be used. I’ve been asking God to show me how He wants to work through me and through the gifts He has given me. I feel like the insight into my personality type will help me analyze myself and continue to pray through using my gifts.

I don’t want to write a huge post, but I do want to post the results. So I think I’m going to break it up into a few manageable chunks and post them separately. If you have some time to take the test and want to put it on your blog (or Facebook note), post the link here so we can read them. I think it would be interesting to see.