Where Have the Good Men Gone?

I just read this article – “Where Have the Good Men Gone?” – because I saw it on a tweet. I thought about just retweeting it, which is what I typically do with things I agree with and want other people to read, but I really felt like God wanted me to respond in a different way.

I think that by now all of us have recognized the extended adolescence being lived out by many guys in their 20s and 30s. It’s not breaking news. So I’m not going to talk about that directly. What I want to speak to is the female response, particularly the Christian, female response.

Ladies, we have not responded well to our brothers’ struggle. We have not treated them as brothers. We have not honored Christ in the way we treat, speak to, and speak about our brothers. [And, by the way, when I say “we” I mainly mean “I”, but I think there’s probably one or two others of you out there, so I’m including you. You’re welcome.]

As Kay Hymowitz says in the article, “Women put up with [the man in extended adolescence] for a while, but then in fear and disgust … give up…” I think that we believe that this is going to make them snap out of it or something. “But these rational choices on the part of women only serve to legitimize men's attachment to the sand box. Why should they grow up? No one needs them anyway. There's nothing they have to do,” explains Hymowitz.

If someone “put up” with me for awhile and then just gave up on me, I’d probably be pretty discouraged. And you know what, they could do the exact same thing to us. Have you read 1 Peter 3.3-4 recently?

“Do not let your adorning be external—the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear—but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God’s sight is very precious.”

And I don’t even need to type out Proverbs 31.

I don’t know about you, but I don’t live up to this everyday – and by that I mean that I fail at this pretty much daily. But you know what doesn’t help me strive toward this? Having people give up on me. Being discouraged by others. Being reminded of my personal failure instead of Christ’s victory over my failure on the cross.

Ladies, we were created to come alongside men and be an essential counterpart to them.

Then the LORD God said, “It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit fore him.” – Genesis 2.18

The word helper in this verse means essential counterpart. Do you know what’s not essential? Discouragement, disdain, unhealthy criticism, gossip.

Yes, men were created to lead – to pursue, provide, protect. Yes, it is very frustrating when they are not doing that, especially when they clearly have the capacity and potential for it. But our disdain for and lack of confidence in them is not what they need.

There are certainly times when we can help hold our brothers accountable, though I believe this more often falls to another male. Specifically in this context, though, I believe that more often than not, our role as single women in the lives of single men is to encourage them, instill confidence, and entrust them to lead. This is in all arenas – dating, friendships, work relationships, ministry, etc.

More than anything, though, we need to pray for them. We need to pray for God to move in our generation. We need to pray for God to change our hearts, as women, to be empathetic to their struggle of passivity, to understand the weight that comes with leadership. We need to pray that their confidence will not be in their own abilities, but in Christ’s power in their weakness. We need to pray that the men around us will be following Christ so intently that they can’t help but step up and lead.

When we see our brothers stepping up, taking their responsibilities seriously, and leading, we need to affirm them. When they fail, we don’t need to point that out or “give up” on them. We need to come alongside of them, speak Truth to them, and encourage them to continue moving forward.

I know it sometimes seems easier to just do our own thing, independently, and hope that one day they’ll “catch up” to us. But here’s the thing, for us to become autonomous is just as backwards as men being passive. Neither action is as God designed and both are sinful.

The world doesn’t need to see just how independent we can be as women in the same way it doesn’t need to see how much men can act like little boys and shirk off all responsibility.

It is only when we are both living as God designed that the world gets a complete picture of the image of God. We’re in this together – like it or not.

*I am so thankful for the teaching of Grace Church on Biblical Manhood and Womanhood. The more I learn, the further I feel I have to go, but the more encouraged I am at the same time.