Self-Sufficient? Prideful?

God has been rocking my pride lately. It’s not hard, though, because I am an unbelievably prideful person. So it doesn’t take much to rock my pride. It’s out there, and it’s touchy (which happens to be the nature of pride), so it gets knocked around easily.

My pride comes out in different ways, at opposite ends of the spectrum. I seem to alternate between worry and anxiety (of great proportions) to arrogance to judging others. All pride. The end.

In community group a couple weeks ago, we were sharing about what God was doing in our lives. I shared that I was dealing with the pride He had been revealing in all aspects of my life. Joey, our leader, asked, “So what are you doing about that? How are you dealing with it?” That was awesome, because usually when you share what God is telling/teaching you, people just accept your answer and don’t follow up – like if you have an answer to that question you’re doing all you can and there’s no room for improvement. There is definite room for improvement in my life.

I talked about how I wasn’t really sure how to deal with my pride, but that I had been trying to speak Truth to myself and remind myself of God’s Word, especially on pride. That was true, but I hadn’t been doing a great job of it. I had little to no direction in regards to what Truth to speak to myself.

God is awesome.

Last week in the sermon, Matt (or maybe it was Scott at the end) said something to the effect of, “When I am prideful, it is unbelief. I am saying I do not believe God is who He says He is and can do what He says He can do.”

Whoa. I know, right. I mean, I would never say something like that to God…right? Well I have been…pretty much on a daily basis.

I have been praying this week about my pride, self-sufficiency, and belief in God, especially with regards to my anxiety. So what does God do this week? That’s right, kids, He starts throwing anxiety-inducing bombs at me. (It’s like what one of my youth leaders used to say – “Pray for patience, and God will give you opportunities to be patient.”)

So God gave me wonderful opportunities this week to claim my dependence on Him and give my anxiety and worry over to Him, and since this has been the focus of a great majority of my spiritual life lately, I passed this little test with flying colors, right? Nope. But don’t worry, I failed really big. If you’re going to do something, do it all the way. Go big or go home, right? Oh, I didn’t go home, that’s for sure. Let’s just say the “peak” was a slight breakdown in my car a couple days ago – tears and everything.

I’m sure God was just like, “Are you serious? Didn’t we just discuss this, this morning? Why can’t you ever just trust me with out all of these tears and freak outs?” Ok, so that’s what I would say if I was God looking at me. I’d be tempted to throw my hands up and walk away.

God is so awesome.

He didn’t throw His hands up and walk away. He did the opposite. He comforted me and showed me His amazing grace.

I was journaling again this morning about all of my worries about the future. Once I got all of that out, I decided to go through more of the material from “Foundations” (from my church). As I’m reading through the introduction to the prayer section, I came across the following:

“…we all struggle with self-sufficiency and independence. Self-sufficient people have no need for anything bigger than themselves, and thus, their prayer life is stifled!”

“If we lose sight of His holiness, sovereignty, goodness, and love, then we rely on our own abilities and we only turn to God when we have failed or disastrous circumstances strike.”

My focus is never to be on my abilities or me. It is to be on God. I do such a bad job of that on a daily basis that God continually pushes me out of my comfort zone, further into the deep end, where I have no choice but to cling to Him.

I am so thankful for His grace and His love that continually comes after me…even when I’m too busy staring in the mirror or taking inventory of my abilities. It doesn’t matter what abilities I have. It doesn’t matter how my abilities match up with my current situation. “For when I am weak, then I am strong” because God says, “My grace is sufficient for you, my power is made perfect in weakness.” (2 Corinthians 12.9-10)

I want to see God’s power. I want to see God’s power in my life. So I will boast in my weakness (or try to) and focus on His power.

Praise be to you, O Lord,

God of our father Israel,

From everlasting to everlasting.

Yours, O Lord, is the greatness and the power

And the glory and the majesty and the splendor,

For everything in heaven and earth is yours.

Yours, O Lord, is the kingdom;

You are exalted as head over all.

Wealth and honor come from you;

You are the ruler of all things.

In your hands are strength and power

To exalt and give strength to all.

Now, our God, we give you thanks,

And praise your glorious name.

1 Chronicles 29.10-13