Modesty - Instructing the Next Generation

“Older women likewise are to be reverent in behavior, not slanderers or slaves to much wine. They are to teach what is good, and so train the young women…” – Titus 2.3-4

As I conclude this series of posts on modesty, I wanted to say a quick word about offering instruction and correction to the next generation of women.  I realize that my experience is relatively limited due to my age, but I also recognize that God has blessed me with knowledge from His Spirit and wonderful mentors and teachers who have helped shape me in the area of modesty.  So I feel that I have something to add to this conversation, and more importantly a responsibility to do so.

We, as older Christian women, have done the generations of women behind us a disservice by remaining silent many times on the issue of modesty.  Culture is not remaining silent.  Culture has a voice in this discussion, and that voice is telling our young women to be prettier, skinnier, and sexier.  Culture is putting value on appearance and finding identity in being desired by others.  Culture is not silent on this issue.  We cannot afford to be silent, either.

I’m not saying that all Christian women are silent, but we’re certainly not doing a great job of talking to our younger women.  I know that personally, no one instructed me individually on this issue as a child or teenager.  And I believe that’s what it’s going to take – one on one, real, honest conversations.  We can address this issue in large group teaching, but I don’t think it’s going to hit home the same way as it will with open dialogue.

These conversations will be awkward and difficult, but difficult conversations are much better than broken hearts and destructive behavior.  We need to get to the core heart issues of value and identity with these young women.  They need to understand that the Creator of the universe delights in them and has chosen them to be His daughters.  They need to see that our value cannot be determined by ourselves or anyone else because it was already determined by Christ when He died for us. 

They need to hear this from mothers and older women, and see it lived out in our lives.  They also desperately need to hear this from their fathers.  Dads, daughters need to hear you speak the words of Proverbs 31 and have you praise those qualities in them and in their mother.

“Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain,
but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.” – Proverbs 31.30

Young women need to be aware of the struggles of men and be taught how to love them well in light of this.  They need to learn how to put the needs and interests of others above themselves and their selfish desires.  They will not be aware of these struggles unless someone tells them.  I wasn’t.

We must be careful not to be harsh or judgmental in these conversations, but we must relay the importance and seriousness of the topic.  We need to love and affirm the young women in our lives.  We need to be an example for them and not be afraid to offer loving, gentle correction.

Yes, by having these conversations and offering correction, we are opening ourselves up to scrutiny based on what we wear and how we act.  We’re not perfect, and we will mess up.  We all struggle with this issue on some level.  What a great opportunity, though, to show them what it looks like to wrestle with these issues and accept correction when we need it.

We have an opportunity to shape the next generation and impact the direction of their lives.  We can be a part of God’s redemptive hand in their minds and hearts if we are willing.  If we are serious about following Christ and influencing the next generation for Him,  we cannot be silent.

Modesty - Loving Well

I was kind of a tomboy growing up.  I played sports and most of my friends were guys.  I was well versed in their lingo and jokes.  I could fit in with guys most of the time.  I thought I understood them pretty well.  And as I grew out of the tomboy stage, and started entering into the dating stage, I figured having guy friends would help me.  I figured being around guys more meant that I would understand them better.

I was wrong.  As similar as men and women are in many ways, there are so many ways in which we are different.  I was arrogant to think I understood all of that.  As I have grown and matured in my understanding Biblical manhood and womanhood, I have been privileged to also learn more about the way men are wired.  Though I still don’t completely understand all of it, my perspective has definitely changed.

One of the things I have learned is how men and women are affected differently by visual images, particularly sexual images.  While men and women both can be affected by these images, there is a particular battle that most men face in regards to this issue that is for the most part specific to their gender.  I can’t totally relate, but it’s important for me to be aware of and sensitive to this battle. 

It is important because if I am not aware and sensitive to the struggles of my brothers, I cannot love well as Christ has called me to.

…being of the same mind, having the same love, being in full accord and of one mind. Do nothing from rivalry or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. – Philippians 2.2-4

But take care that this right of yours does not somehow become a stumbling block to the weak. For if anyone sees you who have knowledge eating in an idol’s temple, will he not be encouraged, if his conscience is weak, to eat food offered to idols? And so by your knowledge this weak person is destroyed, the brother for whom Christ died. Thus, sinning against your brothers and wounding their conscience when it is weak, you sin against Christ. Therefore, if food makes my brother stumble, I will never eat meat, lest I make my brother stumble. – 1 Corinthians 8.9-13

So the way I dress is not a matter of my freedom or my rights.  When I choose to follow Christ, I lay down all rights to myself – that includes my right to wear anything I want.  Even if my clothing had nothing to do with my approval or identity (which is not the case), I am still called to a higher standard out of love and respect for my brothers and for Christ.

Modesty - Identity and Value (part 2)

       Picasso - Girl Before a Mirror

Corruption of our value and identity isn’t only about how we dress or how we carry ourselves.  The issue is much deeper than that. 

The core heart issue concerning value and identity is whether our righteousness is self-generated or Christ-generated.

This article does a great job explaining the difference and showing how the Gospel gives us what we could never give ourselves:  righteousness and peace.

Modesty - Identity and Value (part 1)

I don’t think I know anyone who doesn’t like attention in one form or another.  Now, not all of us like being up in front of people or being the focus of the gaze of 500 pairs of eyes, but we all like attention.  We all want to be noticed for something – our work, our uniqueness, our talents, our appearance, etc.  Why?

We find value in the honor of attention from others.  Attention from others is not inherently bad.  We were made for relationships and community and attention or focus from others is a natural part of that.  What is wrong is when our value is corrupted by the need for attention; when our identity becomes rooted in how others see and define us.

When you think about it, allowing another person to define your identity is an awfully great amount of power to give someone who is as imperfect as you are and who can only know so much about you.  But we all do it everyday. 

This is particularly true when it comes to females and their appearance.  I was going to say teenage girls (because they seem to be the focus of many of the modesty discussions), but the truth is all women have a tendency to put value in their appearance. 

We desire to be delighted in and want to be desired.  We want to be affirmed.  Culture tells us that we will only be affirmed and delighted in based on our physical appearance.  Almost all of the images we are bombarded with on a daily basis convey the message that sensuality equates to beauty.  And at some point each of us begins to believe that.

What culture does not teach us is that when we place our value and identity in our ability to be desired sexually, we are placing our hope in an empty, evil idol.  This idol will rob you of your joy and leave you feeling used, unwanted, and abandoned.  You will never be pretty enough.  You will never be skinny enough.  You will never have the best body.  You will never be desired enough.

Oh, but we will try.  We wear clothes that culture tells us will get people’s attention.  We go on crazy diets to try to get the best body.  We do whatever it takes to gain attention and be desired.  And we teach the next generation to do the same.

The answer isn’t in changing our wardrobe, though.  It’s not a matter of where we shop.  It’s a matter of where our heart rests and our identity lies.  We have a Savior who desires to delight in us.  He desires to define our identity.  He desires to give us joy, confidence, and rest from the acceptance battle.

When Christ defines our identity, we no longer look to others to define us.  When our desire for acceptance is met in Christ, we are free to be who He created us to be without looking to others for acceptance.

So as we consider how we dress and how we partner with and raise up the next generation of young women, let us do so in light of the Gospel.  The Gospel allows us to be distinct, to be different, and to be delighted in by Christ.  When our identity and value come only from Christ, our clothing will be a non-issue.

“…and the king will desire your beauty.” – Psalm 45.11

“For the Lord your God is living among you.

He is a mighty savior.

He will take delight in you with gladness.

With his love, he will calm all your fears.

He will rejoice over you with joyful songs.” – Zephaniah 3.17

Modesty

Modesty.  That word seems to be coming up in conversation a lot lately.  Maybe it comes up more at the same time each year, as summer approaches, and I just haven’t been sensitive to it.  This year, though, I feel like I have had more conversations about modesty and what it means to be modest. 

We talked in our Ezer study about modesty and how it is more than just what you wear.  It’s about how you carry yourself and how you love others.  One of my favorite questions that came up as a check on modesty was, “Are you a ‘here I am’ person or a ‘there you are’ person?” 

We can certainly see examples of modest and immodest behavior all over our culture – politics, athletics, movies, and at work.  So if modesty is about more than what you wear, why do people put so much emphasis on what women wear?  Why does Paul feel the need to directly address it in his letter to Timothy?

“…women should adorn themselves in respectable apparel, with modesty and self-control…” – 1 Timothy 2.9

I think this video gives us, as women, a clear idea of why our choice of clothing is important:

I encourage you to listen to the entire sermon and share it.

As the men in the video share, I think that many women do not understand how their choice of clothing affects men.  I don’t think this is always true, though.  Many women know exactly what they are doing when they get dressed.  I think the other, perhaps more pervasive reason behind immodest dress is an issue of value and identity.

In my next several posts, I will elaborate on these 2 reasons and I would love to hear your feedback and thoughts.

Modesty - Identity and Value Part 1
Modesty - Identity and Value Part 2
Modesty - Loving Well
Modesty - Instructing the Next Generation