Modesty - Loving Well

I was kind of a tomboy growing up.  I played sports and most of my friends were guys.  I was well versed in their lingo and jokes.  I could fit in with guys most of the time.  I thought I understood them pretty well.  And as I grew out of the tomboy stage, and started entering into the dating stage, I figured having guy friends would help me.  I figured being around guys more meant that I would understand them better.

I was wrong.  As similar as men and women are in many ways, there are so many ways in which we are different.  I was arrogant to think I understood all of that.  As I have grown and matured in my understanding Biblical manhood and womanhood, I have been privileged to also learn more about the way men are wired.  Though I still don’t completely understand all of it, my perspective has definitely changed.

One of the things I have learned is how men and women are affected differently by visual images, particularly sexual images.  While men and women both can be affected by these images, there is a particular battle that most men face in regards to this issue that is for the most part specific to their gender.  I can’t totally relate, but it’s important for me to be aware of and sensitive to this battle. 

It is important because if I am not aware and sensitive to the struggles of my brothers, I cannot love well as Christ has called me to.

…being of the same mind, having the same love, being in full accord and of one mind. Do nothing from rivalry or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. – Philippians 2.2-4

But take care that this right of yours does not somehow become a stumbling block to the weak. For if anyone sees you who have knowledge eating in an idol’s temple, will he not be encouraged, if his conscience is weak, to eat food offered to idols? And so by your knowledge this weak person is destroyed, the brother for whom Christ died. Thus, sinning against your brothers and wounding their conscience when it is weak, you sin against Christ. Therefore, if food makes my brother stumble, I will never eat meat, lest I make my brother stumble. – 1 Corinthians 8.9-13

So the way I dress is not a matter of my freedom or my rights.  When I choose to follow Christ, I lay down all rights to myself – that includes my right to wear anything I want.  Even if my clothing had nothing to do with my approval or identity (which is not the case), I am still called to a higher standard out of love and respect for my brothers and for Christ.

Modesty - Identity and Value (part 2)

       Picasso - Girl Before a Mirror

Corruption of our value and identity isn’t only about how we dress or how we carry ourselves.  The issue is much deeper than that. 

The core heart issue concerning value and identity is whether our righteousness is self-generated or Christ-generated.

This article does a great job explaining the difference and showing how the Gospel gives us what we could never give ourselves:  righteousness and peace.

Modesty - Identity and Value (part 1)

I don’t think I know anyone who doesn’t like attention in one form or another.  Now, not all of us like being up in front of people or being the focus of the gaze of 500 pairs of eyes, but we all like attention.  We all want to be noticed for something – our work, our uniqueness, our talents, our appearance, etc.  Why?

We find value in the honor of attention from others.  Attention from others is not inherently bad.  We were made for relationships and community and attention or focus from others is a natural part of that.  What is wrong is when our value is corrupted by the need for attention; when our identity becomes rooted in how others see and define us.

When you think about it, allowing another person to define your identity is an awfully great amount of power to give someone who is as imperfect as you are and who can only know so much about you.  But we all do it everyday. 

This is particularly true when it comes to females and their appearance.  I was going to say teenage girls (because they seem to be the focus of many of the modesty discussions), but the truth is all women have a tendency to put value in their appearance. 

We desire to be delighted in and want to be desired.  We want to be affirmed.  Culture tells us that we will only be affirmed and delighted in based on our physical appearance.  Almost all of the images we are bombarded with on a daily basis convey the message that sensuality equates to beauty.  And at some point each of us begins to believe that.

What culture does not teach us is that when we place our value and identity in our ability to be desired sexually, we are placing our hope in an empty, evil idol.  This idol will rob you of your joy and leave you feeling used, unwanted, and abandoned.  You will never be pretty enough.  You will never be skinny enough.  You will never have the best body.  You will never be desired enough.

Oh, but we will try.  We wear clothes that culture tells us will get people’s attention.  We go on crazy diets to try to get the best body.  We do whatever it takes to gain attention and be desired.  And we teach the next generation to do the same.

The answer isn’t in changing our wardrobe, though.  It’s not a matter of where we shop.  It’s a matter of where our heart rests and our identity lies.  We have a Savior who desires to delight in us.  He desires to define our identity.  He desires to give us joy, confidence, and rest from the acceptance battle.

When Christ defines our identity, we no longer look to others to define us.  When our desire for acceptance is met in Christ, we are free to be who He created us to be without looking to others for acceptance.

So as we consider how we dress and how we partner with and raise up the next generation of young women, let us do so in light of the Gospel.  The Gospel allows us to be distinct, to be different, and to be delighted in by Christ.  When our identity and value come only from Christ, our clothing will be a non-issue.

“…and the king will desire your beauty.” – Psalm 45.11

“For the Lord your God is living among you.

He is a mighty savior.

He will take delight in you with gladness.

With his love, he will calm all your fears.

He will rejoice over you with joyful songs.” – Zephaniah 3.17

Modesty

Modesty.  That word seems to be coming up in conversation a lot lately.  Maybe it comes up more at the same time each year, as summer approaches, and I just haven’t been sensitive to it.  This year, though, I feel like I have had more conversations about modesty and what it means to be modest. 

We talked in our Ezer study about modesty and how it is more than just what you wear.  It’s about how you carry yourself and how you love others.  One of my favorite questions that came up as a check on modesty was, “Are you a ‘here I am’ person or a ‘there you are’ person?” 

We can certainly see examples of modest and immodest behavior all over our culture – politics, athletics, movies, and at work.  So if modesty is about more than what you wear, why do people put so much emphasis on what women wear?  Why does Paul feel the need to directly address it in his letter to Timothy?

“…women should adorn themselves in respectable apparel, with modesty and self-control…” – 1 Timothy 2.9

I think this video gives us, as women, a clear idea of why our choice of clothing is important:

I encourage you to listen to the entire sermon and share it.

As the men in the video share, I think that many women do not understand how their choice of clothing affects men.  I don’t think this is always true, though.  Many women know exactly what they are doing when they get dressed.  I think the other, perhaps more pervasive reason behind immodest dress is an issue of value and identity.

In my next several posts, I will elaborate on these 2 reasons and I would love to hear your feedback and thoughts.

Modesty - Identity and Value Part 1
Modesty - Identity and Value Part 2
Modesty - Loving Well
Modesty - Instructing the Next Generation

The Single's Response to Marriage

My last post focused on submission, particularly in marriage. So what does that mean for single women? What are we supposed to do with that information? I think the answer is interesting.

The idea of marriage is exciting to me. I would like to be married eventually (and if I’m honest, most days eventually = now). It hasn’t always been like that. I used to think marriage was just another step in adulthood, but not that important. Then my perspective changed, and marriage became very important to me – it became something I sought after. And people would say not to make marriage my focus, not let it become an idol. At the same time, though, other people would talk about the high value of marriage, and especially the high calling of being a wife and mother. Those 2 messages seem almost contradictory.

But they’re not.

John Piper tweeted a statement the other day that resonated with me because it brought those 2 contradictory ideas together in the same sentence. This was his tweet: “An unmarried woman should have a high view of marriage, but also of God's sovereignty in her own life." (Nancy Wilson)

Marriage is important and holy, instituted by the Lord. We are to view it as such. We cannot make it an idol, though, which happens when we view marriage above Christ. Being married is not more important than walking with Christ and being sanctified for all eternity by Him. And, yet, sometimes we place it above Him. That is sin, and we must repent of it.

The answer to idolizing marriage is not to condemn it, though, which is sometimes the tendency. We are tempted to devalue marriage in an attempt to combat our own sinful idolatry. That is just as wrong. Marriage is of great value because it was created by God. Marriage is a picture of Christ and His church. We are not to condemn it, but to value and respect it as an institution ordained by God.

The solution to these two extreme views is not found in the middle of them, but is instead found in the freedom of the Gospel of Christ. Christ’s death and resurrection brings freedom in life – whether single or married. A life dedicated to Christ is a life free from the constraints of this world and our culture.

When we are freed from those constraints, we can take our focus off of them and off of ourselves. We can turn our eyes to things above, to Christ, where they should be. When we turn our eyes to Christ, we see what we are to be living for – Him.

So then as a single woman, my focus is not on getting married, but on giving my life up for Christ. It’s about laying down my rights – both in my singleness and in marriage – and picking up my cross. It means that I don’t need to worry about when or if I will get married because my only worry is how Christ is asking me to die to myself today.

Too often, we are so focused on trying to change our situation or move on to the next stage that we fail to see God’s hand in our current situation. We allow our selfish dissatisfaction to kill God’s joy in our lives. We waste what God has given us and where He has placed us. If we are not being faithful where we are, we are not preparing for the future God has for us, and when He takes us there we will not be ready and we will fail.

Our eyes must remain on Christ. He is at work in our lives – growing, teaching, stretching, and molding. God’s goal in our lives is sanctification. He prepares us for each stage as He brings them to us, but ultimately all of His work in us is preparing us to spend eternity with Him. That’s where our eyes need to be.

Am I living like this? Sometimes. Not always. Because it’s difficult. It doesn’t come easy. It’s not natural. But I’m called to intentionally put the natural, earthly me to death so that I may be raised with Christ in holiness.

If then you have been raised with Christ, seek the things that are above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things that are above, not on things that are on earth. For you have died, and your life is hidden with Christ in God. When Christ who is your life appears, then you also will appear with him in glory. – Colossians 3.1-4

Christ Centered Relationships - Part 2 (Partner and Submit)

Several weeks ago, I talked about a series of messages that Francis and Lisa Chan did on Christ-Centered Relationships. Lisa did the majority of the speaking in the second message, focusing on partnering and submitting. Francis introduced the talk with a few tough truths about all of us:

• - We really like Jesus, but if we’re honest with ourselves we don’t want to become like him.
• - We admire His humility, but we don’t want to be that humble.
• - We are thankful that Jesus would be abused, but we would never let that happen to ourselves.
• - We love that Jesus laid down His rights, but we will fight for ours.

Those thoughts are not consistent with what we are instructed in the Word, though:

“…whoever says he abides in him ought to walk in the same way in which he walked.” – 1 John 2.6

What a great introduction to the idea of submission and partnering as women. Lisa’s message in conjunction with the Partnering section of the Ezer study at Grace Church have been both clarifying and challenging to me, and have provided wonderful, Biblical guidance.

We are called to submit to God (James 4.7) and then to each other out of reverence for Christ and the authoritative order He has established (Ephesians 4.21). I should not expect my attempts at submission to others to be positive or successful until I have first submitted my life to Christ.

What does a life submitted to Christ look like?

And he said to all, “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me. For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will save it.” – Luke 9.23-24

“If anyone comes to me and does not hate his own father and mother and wife and children and brothers and sisters, yes, and even his own life, he cannot be my disciple. Whoever does not bear his own cross and come after me cannot be my disciple.” – Luke 14.26-27

A life submitted to Christ sacrifices self and embraces the life of Christ. It puts the agenda of self to death and embraces the agenda of Christ. Submission to Christ means intentionally owning the cause of Christ as my own.

Submission to others, namely a husband, comes after we submit to Christ. If we have not embraced Christ’s cause and agenda, we will not view marriage as He does – as a picture of Christ and the church (Ephesians 5.22-32) – and will instead view marriage by the world’s standard – an institution designed for our happiness and security. With a wrong view of marriage, we will either make no attempt at submission or it will be a constant, painful struggle, always ending in failure. If, instead, we embrace Christ’s agenda and His plan for marriage, our perspective will change. Submission and partnering will still be a struggle at times and we will still fail, but those struggles and failures will sanctify us and teach us to rely more on Christ’s strength, not our own. And He will bring victory.

Partnering is about owning the cause of another. In marriage, it means coming alongside your husband, lending strength to him, and owning his cause as your own. Submission is part of owning that cause, and is one way God has given us as Christian women to be set apart from culture - to point people to Him through our lives. It’s not about rules and roles. It’s about loving Christ, loving others, and serving. Partnering is bigger than submission. Partnering is bigger than my wants, my kingdom. It’s about living my life to see His Kingdom come and His will be done.