Learning Community (Part 2)

The last post ended with the idea that to create and cultivate community, we must be open and inviting. In order to be open and inviting, though, God had to teach me about trust. I was unwilling to trust people because I had been hurt in the past and didn’t want to risk getting hurt again. I was scared to give other people the power and control to influence and impact my life because they might cause me pain. Here’s what He taught me: I am not in control and people will hurt me.

I spent so much time and energy trying to protect myself from getting hurt by people, and you know what? I still got hurt. And do you know why that is? We are sinners. Sin is destructive and painful. Sin grieves the heart of God and sin hurts people. My sin hurts other people and their sin hurts me. We were created to be in relationship with God and with people. Sin breaks those relationships and causes pain.

And I have no control over what other people say and do. They may do or say something to me to hurt me. They may say something about me that hurts me. They may reject me. I cannot control that. I cannot trust that every person I meet will never cause me pain.

What I can trust is God.

This has been a long, ongoing process for me. A book I read several years ago (I think it was “Louder than Words” by Andy Stanley, but I’m not sure), helped me work through developing community and relationships. The book talks about being able to trust God with other people – believers and nonbelievers. We can trust that our just and faithful God will deal rightly with all injustices that have been committed against us. We can also trust that the blood of His Son on the cross covers any wrong committed by believers against us.

God created us for community. It is part of His perfect plan. He intended for us to be in community with Him and with others. He knew that we would corrupt it with sin, and He also knew that He would redeem it through the blood of His Son. Reconciliation is possible because of Christ’s death.

Paul tells us:

From now on, therefore, we regard no one according to the flesh. Even though we once regarded Christ according to the flesh, we regard him thus no longer. Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come. All this is from God, who through Christ reconciled us to himself and gave us the ministry of reconciliation; that is, in Christ God was reconciling the world to himself, not counting their trespasses against them, and entrusting to us the message of reconciliation. Therefore, we are ambassadors for Christ, God making his appeal through us. We implore you on behalf of Christ, be reconciled to God. For our sake he made him to be sin who knew no sin, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God. – 2 Corinthians 5.16-21

Community is difficult. It’s risky. Community requires much of us. It requires us to be vulnerable, open, and honest with people, and those people may hurt us. Community requires us to give of ourselves and put others before ourselves. Community requires us to trust Jesus, more than we trust ourselves, with our relationships.

Community was something that Jesus sought for us. He prayed to His Father on our behalf that we would have community not only with Him, but also with each other.

My prayer is not for them alone. I pray also for those who will believe in me through their message, that all of them may be one, Father, just as you are in me and I am in you. May they also be in us so that the world may believe that you have sent me. I have given them the glory that you gave me, that they may be one as we are one: I in them and you in me. May they be brought to complete unity to let the world know that you sent me and have loved them even as you have loved me. – John 17.20-23

If Jesus viewed community and relationships as important, then we should, too.

Learning Community (Part 1)

- Wonderful ladies who have influenced my life.

I mentioned in a previous post that it took me several years to learn how to live in true community; to open up and let people in my life. When I started college, God was in the process of turning my life upside down, giving me the choice of being a marginal Christian or truly living for Him. Much of the growth I experienced, especially in that first year of college was in huge spurts. Being in community, however, was not like that.

As an 18 year old, college freshman, I was very independent. I had been pretty independent for years at that point. There were different personality traits and experiences that shaped my independence up to that point. At the time, I didn’t realize all of the driving forces behind my independence, and I didn’t really care what they were because I viewed my independence as a good thing – a strength. I thought college was supposed to exponentially increase my independence. I’m so glad the exact opposite happened.

In a lot of ways, college does increase independence, and that’s a good thing. If you’re 25 and your mom still does your laundry, that’s a problem. However, my independence that had been developing up to that point wasn’t so much leading to being a capable, functioning adult as it was being an island…with a fortress. The way I saw things, letting people in your life only led to pain and disaster. And “needing” people? That was not me. I never wanted to depend on or need anyone for anything. That was a sign of weakness. I wasn’t weak...

Only, I was weak. I was guarded. I didn’t trust anyone. I certainly didn’t see others as more important than myself. Sure, I wanted to help people, but not at the cost of letting them on my island or into my life. I didn’t value people as God’s children. I didn’t value community as a gift God gave us to teach us about Himself and draw us closer to Him. If you got to know even a portion of my life, you were the exception. The only person I knew I could trust was me.

So what happened?

God began changing me, both from the inside out and from the outside in. He began to soften my heart and break down the walls that I had continued to build for years, and he also brought amazing people into my life to shape me and show me true community.

He brought one friend into my life who showed me how to be open about my past. She shared her story with me, not in a way that glorified her sin, but in a way that didn’t mask her sin. In doing that, she magnified God’s glory and grace, and also helped me to not be scared of honestly sharing my story. She did not wait for me to open up to her, but willingly shared with me, trusting God to use it to impact me. She, as Jon Acuff says, gave me the “gift of going second.” If we want to create community that truly changes lives for Christ, we can’t be afraid of going first. Thanks, Alexis.

He also brought a family into my life who just opened their lives up to me completely. They welcomed me into their family and taught me so much about what a Godly family looks like. They taught me how to be open with people and love my brothers and sisters in Christ as Christ instructed us to. Betsy, in particular, taught me much about being a Biblical wife and mother. God brought her into my life during a time when He was changing my views of career, life goals, and submission in marriage. I am so thankful for their transparency and obedience to God in family and ministry. Thanks, Yangs.

These are certainly not the only people God has used in my life to influence me. There are countless others, and God continues to bring people into my life to sharpen me and draw me closer to Him. (He has to use lots of people because I can be dense and stubborn and not get the lesson the first…or tenth time.) These two examples, though, perfectly describe a huge part of community – being willing to be open and inviting first.

[See Part 2 for more on Learning Community]

The Difference a Year Makes

-with Betsy, my oh, so wise friend. :)

I moved to Greenville about a year and a half ago. I had been back from China for about 7 months and had already lived in 3 different places. I was ready to be settled. I was ready to actually unpack. I was looking forward to feeling like I was home.

As I was talking to a good friend about this, she lovingly encouraged me to give it time. As someone who had moved a few times, herself, she knew that having the feeling of being at home would take time. She knew I was craving community and she wanted that for me, but she knew that it wouldn’t happen right away.

At this point, though, I had moved several times, myself – once to a different state, and once to a different country. The thing about these moves, though, was that I was placed into an instant community – whether I wanted it or not. When I moved to college, I was automatically “in college” with thousands of other people my age and in my stage of life. It was (relatively) easy to find friends because everyone was looking for friends. When I moved to China, I immediately had the community of my team. I didn’t have to search for community. It was given to me, though it took much grace from God to make it work.

So when my friend said it would take some time to have community, I believed her, but I didn’t realize just what she meant. Then, she made it very clear. I’ll never forget what she said. “It takes about a year until you get that phone call just to see if you want to grab dinner or talk.”

A year?! Are you kidding me?! That’s a really long time to be waiting on community. Now, I wasn’t sitting by myself for an entire year. I hung out with people and had friends. But it really was a year before I felt like I had community; before I felt like this was home.

Now, some of you may not have had this experience. Community may have happened faster for you, or it may have been much slower in coming. Either way, though, developing community always has a common denominator: effort.

Community takes effort. It takes you being open, vulnerable, honest, sacrificial, loving, caring, and deliberate. It means you have to think of others as greater than yourself. It means you have to put your time and energy into it. Community doesn’t just happen. That’s why the writer of Hebrews encourages us in “not neglecting to meet together” (Heb. 10.25); because if we neglect it, it doesn’t just happen on its own.

I am thankful for the time that God ordained for me to wait on community. He taught me a lot about myself, and, more importantly, He taught me a lot about Himself and His faithfulness. He showed me how to draw near and cling to Him when I felt like there was no one else there, and He showed me what it felt like when I refused to draw near to Him.

I believe that time was so important for my relationship with God, as well as my future relationship with others. I am so thankful for the community I have now, though. I’m thankful that I can call a friend just to talk or grab coffee. I’m thankful that I can text a friend when something really awkward happens and she can laugh with me (or at me). I’m thankful I have friends with 4WD who will pick me up when I’m snowed in. I’m thankful that I can invite myself over to a family’s house for dinner and really feel like part of the family. I’m thankful for encouragement from friends, and I’m thankful for challenges from friends.

But none of that happened without effort. I would not have those same relationships without letting people into my life. It took me years to learn how to open up and let people in, and it was one of the more challenging, scary things God has taught me how to do. It’s very risky, but it’s also very rewarding. More than that, though, it’s what God has called us to do.

And let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works, not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another and all the more as you see the Day drawing near. – Hebrews 10.24-25

Deeper Community

This article was on the Resurgence a couple days ago. It gives some great, practical direction for growing community. I thought it was a great followup to the video from yesterday.

Delving Deeper in Gospel Conversations

Jonathan Dodson » Evangelism Heart Gospel Counseling Community

View the Leading Gospel Conversations series

Listening to others by asking good questions, empathizing with their struggle, and discerning their heart’s desires and beliefs only gets us half-way to good gospel conversation. To bless one another with true, Christ-shaped counsel, we need to reveal the gospel in each other's story. Here are a few ways to lovingly make the gospel-turn in conversation.

Apply the Gospel to your own story

It is important that the conversation-leader be a “lead repenter” when answering heart-penetrating questions. This does not mean you are the first to answer the question; however, you must come to the gathering prepared to share how the Spirit has led you to repentance in your own life. Lead-repenting begins at home in your heart and naturally carries over into how you lead during gatherings. Be bold with your brokenness and invite words of correction and encouragement.

• Confess your own sin & idolatry. Ask for prayer, help, and encouragement in your own life.
• Apply the gospel to yourself. We often become focused on discerning the wounds and cracks in others' hearts and forget to apply the gospel to our own hearts first. Let your community see you applying the healing balm of the gospel to your own wounds. This will dissolve a self-righteous hierarchy, as well as show them how to apply the gospel to their own lives.

• Lead with grace. When revealing the gospel in other people’s story, the goal is not to rebuke publicly, but rather to graciously point them through their circumstances to Christ who is present in their struggle.

Listen well

Listen to a person’s story and re-tell it back to them, but with the gospel of grace in the middle. Your goal is to show how Jesus is better than what their fear, desire, or feelings are about their circumstance. Do it in a way that reveals that Jesus is not a miracle drug, but a crucial and concrete component of their lives. Demonstrate that Jesus is the only key to fit the lock of their problems.

• Say nothing. At times, no words are needed. While talking, a person will often verbally correct his wrong motives and actions. Affirm him in his conclusions and point him to Jesus, who is sufficient for his failures and strong for his successes.
  

• Graciously expose lies. Ask if there is a lie they are tempted to believe. As sin surfaces, it is very tempting to either shift the blame or dismiss anger, despair, or lust because of difficult circumstances. It is loving to reveal blame-shifting and sin-skirting to guide one another into the joy of the Lord.

“

Let your community see you applying the healing balm of the gospel to your own wounds.

”

• Blame-shifting. We are often tempted to lay blame on our circumstances. For instance, we might blame our sexual sin or overeating on the absence of a girlfriend, boyfriend, or spouse. We might explain our anger by saying, “It’s the kids’ fault.” You may be angry or depressed because you aren’t married, so you say: “There are too many married people in this group or church.”
• Sin-skirting. As a community that speaks the truth in love, we have an obligation to not allow one another to skirt sin with moralism or indifference. For example, “Yeah, I’d be angry too,” “It will get better,” or “Don’t be a doormat!”

Delve deeper by asking good questions

Prompt a more meaningful conversation with questions that illicit thoughtful answers:

• How does our passage address your heart issues?
  
• What alternative promise does Scripture offer us?
  
• Can you think of any Bible stories, parables, promises, or truths that would help us here?
• How does the gospel address this?
• How does Jesus supplant and replace our idol of success? We know Jesus is better, but how?

Encouragement is key

It is important to acknowledge the work people do in sharing their insights. What grace can you affirm in their life? What victory can you celebrate? What progress have you seen in their faith? By following up with a few encouraging statements, a person is more likely to keep sharing, searching, and seeking God out.

http://theresurgence.com/2011/01/10/delving-deeper-in-gospel-conversations

Missional Community

I saw this video on the Resurgence blog and really liked it. There are 2 main things I liked about it.

First, I think it's a great perspective on community, particularly Biblical community. We, as brothers and sisters in Christ, are already united for a cause...and it's not ourselves. We need to remember that the point of our communities within church is not to better ourselves, but to serve others, ultimately for the purpose of introducing people to Christ and helping facilitate their growth in Him.

Second, I love how Matt Carter is open to seeing Gospel truths all around him in life and culture, and actively applies them to his life, community, and mission. Too often, I think we miss important lessons God has to teach us from culture and other people around us because we have our "church blinders" on and are unwilling to listen to anything that might "disturb" our beliefs or faith. There are obviously things we, as believers, must refrain from or avoid, but we are absolutely called to be in this world, and we cannot do that with closed eyes and ears.

More to come on community, but for now, enjoy the video.

Finding your Strengths

One of the links from my last blog, which was part of Dave Ramsey's January newsletter was about finding your strengths. Dave shares some insight from Marcus Buckingham that I found really useful in the current "What am I going to be when I grow up?" phase I'm in right now.

What's also interesting (and encouraging) to me about this post is that my dad sent it to me about a week before I read it on the website. After I had talked to him some about things going on in my life and the direction I felt I was heading, he read the Ramsey/Buckingham post and sent it to me. It's encouraging to me because it shows me that he's really interested in what's going on in my life and that he's supportive of the steps I'm taking. So thanks, Dad, for sharing and encouraging. And thanks to Dave Ramsey and Marcus Buckingham for the wisdom.

How to Find Your Strengths

Just because you're good at something doesn't make it a strength

from daveramsey.com on 06 Aug 2009

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According to Marcus Buckingham, author of Go Put Your Strengths To Work, "Most people think your strengths are what you're good at, and your weaknesses are what you're bad at." He explains that this isn't a good way to measure your strengths and skills.

There may be a lot of things that you're good at, but hate doing. Just because you're good at something doesn't make it a strength. You also must have a passion for what you're doing—that's what qualifies it as a strength.

"A better definition of a strength," said Buckingham, "is an activity that makes you feel strong. And a weakness is an activity that makes you feel weak. Even if you're good at it, if it drains you, that's a weakness."

He recommends writing down activities that drain you or energize you during a regular week. This will prohibit others from confirming or denying your strengths and weaknesses. Instead, you're determining what they are without letting other people's opinions influence you.

Once you have determined your strengths, you need to refine and sharpen your skills. "You grow the most, learn the most, develop the most in the areas where you already have some natural advantage," said Buckingham.

According to Buckingham, there are four clear signs of a strength:

1. Success—This is effectiveness in the activity you are doing.
2. Instincts—Find those things that you instinctively look forward to, and capitalize on them.
3. Growth—You're growing when you can concentrate on an activity, and time just flies by.
4. Needs—Some activities might make you tired, but they fulfill you.

Now that you know your strengths, it's time to put them into action. From your list that you kept throughout the week, write down three strength statements. Buckingham said the statements should be "specific enough to conjure up passion within you, but general enough for you to apply every week." He says you can't build a career around your best unless you know your strengths. "It's one of the skills of life."

From Dave Ramsey's website http://www.daveramsey.com/article/how-to-find-your-strengths/

Some Goals from Dave Ramsey

This is from Dave Ramsey's January newsletter (read the whole thing here). A little more inspiration to set some goals this year. It's not too late. :)

11 Weird Things To Do In 2011 Everyone has their own definition of what "weird" means. To us, it means having some—or actually a lot—of money, because so many people are broke! If you could keep hundreds of extra dollars a month instead of paying credit card bills, car payments and your alma mater, would you want to become weird? If you're tired of being normal (aka broke) like everyone else, here are some ways to get started on your journey to weirdness! 1. Set a solid foundation. Without a proper start, big plans will eventually crumble. We are here to help you along the way during this weird year that will carry through the rest of your life. Find out how to set a solid foundation. 2. Bring out your inner bookworm! According to The Literacy Company, 90% of learning is based on reading. You would think that Americans would read a lot, right? Well, about 27% of adults read no books at all in the past year. Set yourself apart from the majority by reading a few beneficial, nonfiction books this year! Here are somesuggestions from Dave's library. 3. Take baby steps with meal planning. Food often costs more than you think. Plan your meals ahead of time to eat healthier and avoid hitting up your favorite fast-food spot five times a week. It's not a daunting task when you get help from eMealz for just $5 a month! 4. Compare yourself to the Joneses—really! The Joneses are broke. They're in debt and don't have money for emergencies, retirement or college. Do you really want to be like them? Doubtful. So compare yourself to them and determine what you need to do so you aren't like the Joneses. 5. Practice saying no! There are so many good things to do, but you can't do it all. Learning to set limits in your life will actually allow you to do more, whether it's with your time or money. Plus, you'll be better at those things you do since you aren't rushing around trying to cram a bunch of stuff into your schedule. 6. Surprise! Who says giving to others only has to take place at Christmas? Challenge yourself to continue giving like no one else throughout 2011. You'll be amazed at how much better life is when you give to others! 7. Dream. Just because you're a responsible adult who's all grown up doesn't mean you have to stop dreaming. But don't just be a dreamer; do something about it! Determine what's stopping you from making your goal a reality, and challenge yourself to overcome it. 8. Sacrifice. Most people cringe at the "s" word. But sacrifice doesn't mean you have to live in a cave and never have fun. Maybe you need to pick up an extra job or cut out a monthly treat from your budget to get closer to achieving your goal. Think of something you can give up, and commit to following through this year. 9. Get a will for real. About 60% of Americans die without a will. So what's the big deal? That means that when you die, everything you owned is either left to the government to divvy out, or your relatives will fight over your belongings. Avoid that heartache by creating a will. Stop procrastinating and just do it!USLegalForms.com makes it easy for you to leave this legacy for under $30. 10. Quit your J-O-B. Don't love your job? Then quit it! Find your passion and do work that truly matters to you. Yes, even in this economy you can quit your job—just be smart about it. Think it through. Have a plan, and be wise about your decisions. Consider this. 11. Pass on the weirdness! It's cool to be weird! Tell others about your journey to weirdness and how you're changing your life for the best. Send them our weekly email challenges, pass along your budgeting knowledge, or invite them to a free Financial Peace University class. Dave has so many resources available for you and your friends that there's definitely something for everyone. How are you going to change your life in 2011? Let us know by leaving a comment here. Taken from: DAVE'S eNEWSLETTER January 2010 | DAVERAMSEY.COM

Goals 2011

I talked some yesterday about how my thought process has changed over the last several years regarding goals. I’m reading and working through the book, 48 Days to the Work You Love (Dan Miller). He makes several good points about goals.

• - “…expectations of your future do, in fact, tend to create your future.”
• - “People often end up where they expect to end up.”
• - “…specific, worthwhile expectations…make your life more meaningful.”
• - “Start doing something that you’ve put off because of the risk of failure.”
• - “It is critical to define your own priorities. If you simply respond to circumstances, any obstacle will send you in a new direction.”

Miller also talks about making deposits in all areas of life – spiritual, personal development, physical, family, social, financial, and career. So here are some of the goals I have set for this year.

• - Have one full Sabbath day a month.
• - Read 25 books, at least 5 of them being biographies.
• - Finish writing a Bible study I started last year.
• - Participate in an athletic competition – I’m thinking the Mud Run, but we’ll see. (It won’t be another half marathon. Hasn’t been long enough since the last one to forget the pain and horror.)
• - Take at least 2 trips to VA to visit family.
• - Make time for coffee/dinner/something with one friend a week.
• - Save a certain amount of money and get more involved in my investments. (At least get my long-term emergency fund complete.)
• - Explore career opportunities that incorporate my skills/abilities, personality traits, and dreams/aspirations.

So there you go. I have a few more that I am still developing, but that’s what I’ve got for now. What about you? What are your goals for 2011?

New Year, New Goals

I don’t know if I have really set goals for my life in about 4 years. For those of you who know me, you may find that hard to believe or even think I’m lying.

When I was younger, I was an extremely driven, goal-oriented child. My mom has some pretty funny stories about my goals and determination. I think one of her favorites is from when I was in 3^rd grade. We had a project that we were given several weeks to do. My teacher told us that if we would just work 15 minutes or so everyday, we’d have no problem finishing it. Of course I wanted to do well on this project, so starting that day I would come home from school everyday and set our kitchen timer for 15 minutes and that’s how long I would work. I finished the project with no problems.

My determination to meet my goals has also been difficult at times, though. My goal in school was always to make straight A’s. I got a B once in 4^th grade and almost had a nervous breakdown. I felt the same crushing blow when I did not get into my first choice college.

These goals, whether met or not, typically provided good learning experiences for me. And looking back, the goals I was not able to meet probably taught me more than the ones I did.

So why has it been so long since I set goals?

In college, God did a huge work in my life and changed my life and priorities quite a bit. A large part of that was asking me to give up my selfish goals to Him. Over those four years, I made some of the most difficult decisions of my life, giving God many different areas of my life and sacrificing the goals I had in those areas.

That same journey that God led me on over those four years also led me overseas after college. While working overseas, I did set goals on my team, but they were directed by our leader and focused on the work there, not necessarily about my life in general.

As I returned to the US, my only real goal was to get a job and “figure out what was next.” I can’t tell you how many times I repeated that statement, “I’m just trying to figure out what’s next.” While this statement was true, and I really was trying to hear from God what He would have me to do, what I didn’t realize was that “next” was what was happening while I tried to figure out which direction to move. “Next” was happening to me; I wasn’t determining what it would be.

I would read the verse, “Whatever you do, work heartily, as for the Lord and not for men…” (Colossians 3.23), and believe that God was ok with me floating along in life as long as I worked “heartily.” Now, I can tell you that I have absolutely not done all of my work “heartily, as for the Lord” but regardless of that fact, floating along is not God’s plan for my life. Deep down, I knew there was more, but I was scared to act, fearing that I would once again make goals that would just be taken away.

I have been essentially paralyzed, waiting to hear what was “next.” As a result, here I am, 2 years later, having not met any goals because I never really set any. Looking back, I see a key reason why I never set any goals: I viewed the goals as bad.

I saw God asking me to give up some pretty big goals in order to follow Him, and I began to see goals in general as bad. So I just stopped making goals. I completed my term overseas, came back to the US, and started floating along. Now I realize that coming back to the States required some adjustment time, but two years is a bit much. I have been afraid to set any goals because I viewed the goals as bad.

The reality, though, was that my goals were selfish and sinful idols in my life and that is why God asked me to give them up. They were interfering with my relationship with Him. I got so caught up in meeting the goals I had established, that I was unable to properly worship God. I was worshiping the goals and myself instead of Him, so the goals had to go.

The thing is, goals aren’t bad. We need direction and focus in our lives so that we continue to move forward. We just need to 1.) Pursue God in our goals and seek His goals for our lives and 2.) Keep our ultimate focus on God and not let our goals or ourselves eclipse Him.

God likes goals and purpose. God has purpose in what He does and for our lives. He will give us purpose and goals if we ask.

Commit your work to the Lord, and your plans will be established. – Proverbs 16.3

We just need to be sure that we are seeking God’s goals and God’s fame, not our own goals, agenda, and fame.

Many are the plans in the mind of a man, but it is the purpose of the Lord that will stand. – Proverbs 19.21

So for the first time, in a long time, I’m setting some goals. Some, I’ll meet this month. Some, I’ll meet this year. Some, I’ll meet later. Some, God will take away from me because they are not from Him.

My prayer is that these goals serve to bring God glory, and that when 2012 comes around, I can look back and see that I am closer to God than I am today because of these goals.