Christ Centered Relationships Part 1

Several weeks ago, a friend sent me a series of messages done by Francis and Lisa Chan on relationships. You may be familiar with Francis Chan - author of Crazy Love and Forgotten God. In 2008, he had his wife, Lisa, join him on stage to talk about marriage and relationships. It is one of the best series on marriage I've heard.

The main point is that we need to view marriage (and all relationships) through an eternal lens; through a Gospel lens.

"If then you have been raised with Christ, seek the things that are above, where Christ is, seated as the right hand of God." - Colossians 3.1

If we were truly seeking things that are above, our view of all relationships on this earth would change. Our eyes would be turned from ourselves, and our selfish desires, to Christ and to others. We would take Jesus' words seriously when He tells us:

"You shall love the Lord our God with all your heart and with all your should and with all you mind. This is the great and first commandment. And a second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as yourself." - Matthew 22.37-39

That is real love. As it is, our love is selfish - broken and sinful just like the rest of the world. We are not capable of perfect love here and now, though that is what we should strive for. While we can't love perfectly, we can receive perfect love.

"So we have come to know and to believe the love that God has for us. God is love, and whoever abides in love abides in God, and God abides in him." - 1 John 4.16

This is why Paul Tripp says in What Did You Expect?, "Love seeks vertical fulfillment so it can horizontally serve." Our fulfillment comes from Christ. He is the only one who can truly fill us. Tripp also states, “Love means you never ask your spouse to do for you what only God can do.”

Asking your spouse (or future spouse) to fulfill you is completely unreasonable, and is actually unloving since it’s setting them up for failure (not to mention setting yourself up for disappointment). It is impossible for someone, anyone, no matter how wonderful they are, to provide for you what only Christ can provide (and has provided) through His death on the cross.

It’s just so easy for us to seek fulfillment in another person. It may be even easier for single people to do this because we get to make up our own version of our future spouse in our heads. It’s easy to think, “Once I get married, my husband will totally understand me and support me. Everything will be easier.” Wrong. He’ll probably misunderstand me often, not because he wants to, but because communication is difficult and flawed. We won’t always be on the same page. We will argue.

These are all things that can be overcome with grace, though, if I am resting in Christ as my fulfillment and trusting Christ in my husband. If, however, I have put unrealistic expectations on that person, those problems will only become magnified and multiplied as we add in disillusionment and disappointment.

A Gospel perspective of marriage recognizes the need for intimate community, as well as the power of marriage. That power is not just for the betterment of the individuals or the couple, though that will be one result. Marriage is a tool used by God to show the relationship between Christ and the Church, and is used to bring others into His Kingdom.

That’s the ultimate goal in any relationship and in our lives – Christ and His Kingdom. If I am seeking that, with my eyes on Christ, it will overflow into all of my relationships. However, as Tripp puts it, “If I am not loving God as my king, I will set up my own kingdom and live for myself.”

No one wants to be a part of my kingdom. It’s crap. I can’t save anyone, and my kingdom is good for no one, not even me.

"If then you have been raised with Christ, seek the things that are above, where Christ is, seated as the right hand of God." - Colossians 3.1

Because in the end, it’s not about me, and that’s a good thing.

I couldn't get the video of Francis and Lisa's message to load, but you can watch it here for now.

You can also download the series at cornerstonesimi.com. They are from July/Aug 2008 and titled, "Christ Centered Relationships"

The Magnificat

And Mary said,

“My soul magnifies the Lord,
and my spirit rejoices in God my Savior,
for he has looked on the humble estate of his servant.
For behold, from now on all generations will call me blessed;
for he who is mighty has done great things for me,
and holy is his name.
And his mercy is for those who fear him
from generation to generation.
He has shown strength with his arm;
he has scattered the proud in the thoughts of their hearts;
he has brought down the mighty from their thrones
and exalted those of humble estate;
he has filled the hungry with good things,
and the rich he has sent away empty.
He has helped his servant Israel,
in remembrance of his mercy,
as he spoke to our fathers,
to Abraham and to his offspring forever.”

- Luke 1.46-55

Where Have the Good Men Gone?

I just read this article – “Where Have the Good Men Gone?” – because I saw it on a tweet. I thought about just retweeting it, which is what I typically do with things I agree with and want other people to read, but I really felt like God wanted me to respond in a different way.

I think that by now all of us have recognized the extended adolescence being lived out by many guys in their 20s and 30s. It’s not breaking news. So I’m not going to talk about that directly. What I want to speak to is the female response, particularly the Christian, female response.

Ladies, we have not responded well to our brothers’ struggle. We have not treated them as brothers. We have not honored Christ in the way we treat, speak to, and speak about our brothers. [And, by the way, when I say “we” I mainly mean “I”, but I think there’s probably one or two others of you out there, so I’m including you. You’re welcome.]

As Kay Hymowitz says in the article, “Women put up with [the man in extended adolescence] for a while, but then in fear and disgust … give up…” I think that we believe that this is going to make them snap out of it or something. “But these rational choices on the part of women only serve to legitimize men's attachment to the sand box. Why should they grow up? No one needs them anyway. There's nothing they have to do,” explains Hymowitz.

If someone “put up” with me for awhile and then just gave up on me, I’d probably be pretty discouraged. And you know what, they could do the exact same thing to us. Have you read 1 Peter 3.3-4 recently?

“Do not let your adorning be external—the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear—but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God’s sight is very precious.”

And I don’t even need to type out Proverbs 31.

I don’t know about you, but I don’t live up to this everyday – and by that I mean that I fail at this pretty much daily. But you know what doesn’t help me strive toward this? Having people give up on me. Being discouraged by others. Being reminded of my personal failure instead of Christ’s victory over my failure on the cross.

Ladies, we were created to come alongside men and be an essential counterpart to them.

Then the LORD God said, “It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit fore him.” – Genesis 2.18

The word helper in this verse means essential counterpart. Do you know what’s not essential? Discouragement, disdain, unhealthy criticism, gossip.

Yes, men were created to lead – to pursue, provide, protect. Yes, it is very frustrating when they are not doing that, especially when they clearly have the capacity and potential for it. But our disdain for and lack of confidence in them is not what they need.

There are certainly times when we can help hold our brothers accountable, though I believe this more often falls to another male. Specifically in this context, though, I believe that more often than not, our role as single women in the lives of single men is to encourage them, instill confidence, and entrust them to lead. This is in all arenas – dating, friendships, work relationships, ministry, etc.

More than anything, though, we need to pray for them. We need to pray for God to move in our generation. We need to pray for God to change our hearts, as women, to be empathetic to their struggle of passivity, to understand the weight that comes with leadership. We need to pray that their confidence will not be in their own abilities, but in Christ’s power in their weakness. We need to pray that the men around us will be following Christ so intently that they can’t help but step up and lead.

When we see our brothers stepping up, taking their responsibilities seriously, and leading, we need to affirm them. When they fail, we don’t need to point that out or “give up” on them. We need to come alongside of them, speak Truth to them, and encourage them to continue moving forward.

I know it sometimes seems easier to just do our own thing, independently, and hope that one day they’ll “catch up” to us. But here’s the thing, for us to become autonomous is just as backwards as men being passive. Neither action is as God designed and both are sinful.

The world doesn’t need to see just how independent we can be as women in the same way it doesn’t need to see how much men can act like little boys and shirk off all responsibility.

It is only when we are both living as God designed that the world gets a complete picture of the image of God. We’re in this together – like it or not.

*I am so thankful for the teaching of Grace Church on Biblical Manhood and Womanhood. The more I learn, the further I feel I have to go, but the more encouraged I am at the same time.

Shallow Small Group

My friend (and co-leader in a Bible study) sent me this video today. I love it. (No worries, though, it's not exactly my philosophy.)

"...because when things get too deep, people drown."

Hypotheticals

Donald Miller wrote a blog a couple weeks ago entitled, A Creator Doesn’t Entertain Hypotheticals. Miller’s blog was talking about not entertaining hypotheticals as a writer, but when I first read the blog title, I immediately thought about God.

God doesn’t deal in hypotheticals. He doesn’t need to. He is all-powerful. He creates reality and deals in reality. I need hypotheticals because I’m not all-powerful and I’m not in control. The only thing I can even partially control is my mind (though it easily gets out of control and crazy), so I try to control situations in my mind.

I create hypothetical situations because it makes me feel in control and prepared, but that is not reality. I create hypotheticals because I would rather put my faith in a completely made up situation and fake control than in the One who really has all control and power. I’d rather let my mind go crazy over a hypothetical situation than spend time communicating with the One who’s actually in control.

So I freak out and come to God with all of my “What if’s…?” and He doesn’t even dismiss them. Instead, He comforts me with His “But God’s…” If I would just spend time focusing on His power and talking with Him, not only would I be continually reminded of Truth, but I wouldn’t have time for all of those hypotheticals.

“But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us, even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ… “- Ephesians 2.4-5

“but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” – Romans 5.8

“My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.” – Psalm 73.26

How Well They Know Me

I love how well my sister, cousin, and friends know me. For my birthday, I got several gift cards to Target (and one to Starbucks). Not only were they super sweet in giving me the gift cards to my favorite places, but the 3 Target cards came with instructions:

- "...for a treat."

- "Don't buy toilet paper, buy something FUN!"

- "Spend this on non-essentials...That means OUT-OF-BUDGET!"

Haha. They know me too well. I love it. Thanks, y'all!

And, yes, I will obey. :)

God Had Something Else In Mind

I’m turning 27 later this week (which, by the way, is really weird to write because 27 is definitely “adult” and I’m not sure I’m a real adult – another thought for another day). I’ve been doing quite a bit of examining and thinking about my life lately. I’ve been trying to define my purpose, not just in life in general, but specifically in this stage, and asking God how that plays out in my career, relationships, and even geographic location.

As I’ve been kind of examining what my life looks like now, it made me think back to what I imagined it would look like years ago, when I thought about the future. If you had asked me 10 years ago what my life would look like in 10 years, I would not have described my current life. If you had asked me 5 years ago what my life would look like in 5 years, I would not have described my current life. I’m not sure if, 10 years ago, I would have even gotten close. I would have done a little better 5 years ago, but not much.

And here’s the thing – I could look at this as failure. I mean, there are so many goals I had as a 17 year old and as a 22 year old that I didn’t meet, and some of them I will never meet. Honestly, there are people who were a part of my life at 17 and 22 who do view those unmet goals as failure. And that they see failure in my life can really start to bother me if I let it because I care way too much about what people think of me.

But here’s the truth – God had something else in mind.

I heard Matt Williams speak those words a few weeks ago when he was speaking to Grace Church – Downtown. He was sharing about the journey that led to starting Grace, expanding campuses, and eventually starting the Downtown campus. He shared how the original vision for Grace Church was actually Downtown Greenville, but that God opened doors in other locations around Greenville first. God had something else in mind. I’m so thankful He did because I love what Grace Church is now and where we’re headed, and I know that the journey had much to do with that.

My life is a lot like Grace Church. I feel like God began giving me a vision for my life years ago, but then the doors He opened, and especially the doors He shut, did not always seem to correspond to that vision…at least not in the moment. A lot of the time, it felt as if I was actually moving away from the vision God gave me.

For example, one thing God showed me in college was how He has gifted me and given me a passion for discipleship. Then, He sent me to China. The first few months there, I spent a lot of time feeling like an evangelistic failure (especially compared to the gifted evangelists on my team). But what God was doing was elevating my view of the Gospel and its power, and teaching me how to communicate it effectively, both of which are integral parts of discipleship. After being in China for about a year, He opened the door for me to enter into some very rich discipleship relationships. God had something else in mind.

Since about my freshman year of college, God has been teaching me about Biblical womanhood and the high calling of being a wife and mother, something that, as I’ve shared before, was a major change in perspective for me. So, naturally, I assumed these lessons were preparing me to be married…which I am not. Over the past several years, this has frustrated me because I didn’t know why God would change my heart to desire to be a wife and mother if I wasn’t going to be married anytime soon. I thought it would have been much easier to keep my career-oriented perspective. What I am learning now (in large part thanks to the Ezer teaching at Grace Church) is that what God was really revealing in my heart was a desire to be an essential counterpart; to invite, nurture, and partner. One day, that may be in the context of marriage and family, but He desires for me to live out that calling in my current stage of life and in the relationships I have now. God had something else in mind.

So where will I be 5 years from now? Ten years? I have no idea. But that doesn’t mean I am without vision for my life. I believe that God has given me a purpose and a calling. That purpose and calling will look different as I enter into different stages in life and play different roles, but that doesn’t mean it will change. I’m still working on the wording of my purpose/vision, but I believe I have essentially been called to facilitate life-change through the Gospel and equip others to do the same.

So there you go. I haven’t heard of too many people who call “27” a milestone birthday, or even an important one. But I think it is for me. I’m looking forward to another year of unexpected challenges and blessings as I grow with my Father.