Round 2

And we're off again...

After about a week and a half break, we started our fall semester this past Wednesday.  Break was great.  I got to spend time with family in VA, especially this guy:

Time with family was really nice and then I got to visit friends in Greenville.  I went hiking, had a cookout, checked back in at work, met up with several friends, and got to worship at Grace.  It was quite a refreshing break.  Even though it felt pretty long, after one day of class, I realized it wasn't long enough.

Ready or not, though, we're hitting the ground running on a new semester...which means only 3 semesters and less than 11 months until rotations.

This semester, we start studying pathologies by organ systems.  So most of our classes will all cover similar topics just from different angles.  For those that are curious, here's what I'm taking:

- Fundamentals of Clinical Medicine
- Clinical Problem Solving
- Pharmacotherapeutics
- Pathophysiology
- Physical Diagnosis
- Research Methods
- Community Health

We're starting with dermatology and moving on from there to EENT, endocrinology, hematology, and cardiology.  That takes us to the end of the semester...and still leaves me waiting with great anticipation for ortho - when I hope to feel like I have a slight handle on things. :)

What's it like?

I thought some of you might be wondering what studying is like, so here's a piece of it...

We are taking our head/neck/neuroanatomy tests tomorrow (practical) and Friday (radiology and written).  I'm not going to tell you how many hours I've logged in the library, Starbucks, or the cadaver lab.  That's just sad.  What I will share is a little of how learning all of this feels.

Our first 2 blocks of anatomy were musculoskeletal - split into upper and lower.  They were difficult at times, but manageable.  It was kind of like a hard puzzle.  It may seem daunting, but you know all the pieces are there and if you just take it one piece at a time, you can eventually put it all together.

The neuro block is a bit different.  At first, you approach it like the puzzle, one piece at a time.  But then you realize that in order to find the place for that one piece, you have to have 87 other pieces in place first...and you haven't ever seen or heard of 49 of those other pieces.  Then you realize, it's not like the puzzle at all.  It's actually like trying to pick up a big ball of jello.  You can't pick it up one piece at a time.  You just have to try to grab the whole thing and hope you can prevent the majority of it from slipping through your hands.

It's really messy.  I'm already sticky and tired from failed attempts.  Here's hoping I have 2 more really good attempts in me over the next 2 days.

Coming Up for Air

You know when you're a kid and you dive into the deep end of the pool to touch the bottom and then swim back up?  Do you remember what it felt like those times when you weren't sure you got quite enough air before submersion or didn't push off the bottom hard enough to get back up?  You wondered if you were going to make it back up to the top.  And then, after some of the longest seconds of your life, you made it back up to the top.  And then the very instant your mouth and nose broke the plane out of the water, you took the biggest, deepest breath.  And it felt so good.

That is what this weekend was like...ok, maybe not quite that dramatic.  But it did feel good to go about 30 hours without doing schoolwork or studying.  And now I know that I need a little bit bigger of a breath as I jump back in.

My tests last week went just fine - I think anatomy went better than physiology, but we'll see once the grades are all in.  The days were long (several 10-12 hour days on campus), but I think it paid off.

After each anatomy test, we (all of the PA, PT, OT students, as well as our professor and TAs) have a party - called a "Post Gross."  They rent out a bar (or restaurant, if you prefer) downtown and we all go hang out.  Our professor has been doing this for years and loves it.  It was great to get to hang out with people outside of class and meet some new folks, as well.

And then, to make the weekend that much better, I got a little taste of Greenville and Grace.  Joe and Stephanie were down visiting Joe's family, so I got to spend some time with them.  I also got to meet up with Wes and Mac to watch one of Mac's baseball games - sorry, no pictures, but it was great to see them!

Now, ready or not, it's time to dive back in!

The School Path

image from http://academicdepartments.musc.edu/musc/

So it’s 8:27pm on Friday, the third Friday that I have been in class (10^th day of class) and I’m taking a study break to write this blog.  My intent was to update everyone on what life looks like for me now…and I think that paints a pretty accurate picture.

It’s not as bleak as it might seem at first glance, though.  First of all, most of you know I can be nerdy at times, so studying on a Friday night would not necessarily have been an anomaly before school.  The volume has certainly increased, though.  Also, most of what I’m learning really interests me.  And if the particular topic doesn’t interest me as much, I know it’s a means to the end goal – becoming a PA.

Here’s a little synopsis of what’s been going on:

• -       Moved to Charleston on May 18
• -       Started orientation on May 22
• -       Started class on May 24
• -       My first tests will be June 11, 13, and 14

The classes I’m currently taking are:

• -       Gross Anatomy (yes, cadavers and all)
• -       Physiology (which will turn into Pathophysiology)
• -       Pharmacology
• -       Bioethics and Behavioral Medicine
• -       Intro to the PA Profession
• -       Inter-professional Project (with PT and OT students)

I spend roughly 25 hours per week in class, as in being taught.  I’m usually on campus studying with groups and/or tutors when I’m not in class during the day – will probably end up being around 8-10 hours/day on campus and then studying on my own (or at least off campus in a group) at night.  Weekends are for catch-up – both sleep and study.

They have thrown a ton of information at us from day one.  No one expects us to learn it all…but they do expect us to learn a lot.  The way I look at it is this is my job (granted, I’m paying to do this work), so I’m going to work as hard as I can at it.

A friend back home told/warned me that this would be like trying to drink from a fire hydrant – you can’t drink it all, just don’t get hurt. 

I’ll update the blog when I can so that those of you who are interested can keep up.  I promise no pictures of cadavers, April. 

Encouraging Conversations

God continues to pull me back into Him, reminding me of His power, His provision, His blessing, and His calling on my life.  His Spirit is opening my eyes again and awakening my heart to His leading more and more.  It has been such a sweet reminder that He is in the details of my life and has never left me, even when I turned from His leading.

A few weeks ago, I went to Charleston with a friend in preparation for my move in May.  The weekend as a whole was very encouraging and increased my excitement for moving and starting school, and helped solidify confidence in my decision. 

I found myself in the middle of a very interesting conversation the first night.  The family we stayed with is involved in medical missions, so it didn’t take long for that topic to come up.  As we started talking about missions, the conversation moved to my past and future involvement in missions.  As we were talking, I heard myself speaking so naturally about my hopes for future mission involvement, and remembered very clearly God’s call for me to use whatever opportunities He gives me (medical or otherwise) for His purposes.

As I heard words of excitement and joy for God’s work coming out of my mouth, though, I also had the thought, “Do I even deserve to be in this conversation?  Am I worthy of saying the things that I am saying?  After the struggles, drifting, sin, and general shortcomings that have become so clear over the past year, who am I to share in the joy of missions?”

The answer to those questions is that I am even less worthy than I know.  My sin is worse than I can see or believe.  I don’t deserve to experience God’s work in the lives of others any more than I deserve to experience His grace in my life.

…but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us. – Romans 5.8

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” – 2 Corinthians 12.9

I have known and quoted these verses for years, believing I understood them.  And I did understand them to an extent.  But until I truly understand the depths of my sin and brokenness, I cannot fully understand His grace.  So I still do not fully grasp the power and thoroughness of His grace. 

The more God reveals Himself to me, though, the more I see my sin, and the more opportunity there is to see His grace.  That is not automatic, though.  I must continually be reminded of His love and acceptance of me based on nothing but the blood of Christ in order to experience His grace.  Otherwise, the revelation of my sin only leads straight to the pit.  As one who daily receives grace, then, I am called to daily show grace and lead others to the Giver of grace.

My prayer, like that of Paul, then, is

If I must boast, I will boast of the things that show my weakness. – 2 Corinthians 11.30

Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.  For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities.  For when I am weak, then I am strong. – 2 Corinthians 12.9-10

My desire, though I am far from it, is to struggle well in grace and invite others to struggle well with me.

Lessons in the Father's Love

Carlyn and Wyatt

I had a blog ready to go about a week and a half ago, but someone sped up life and I didn’t get to it.  It will be up soon, but I don’t want to wait on this thought…

Last Thursday morning, I found out that I had officially become an aunt.  I already knew I was excited for Wyatt’s arrival and would have so many emotions surrounding his birth, but I had no way of knowing how much I would love him. 

As I arrived at the hospital, it was almost surreal to think that my little sister now had a little baby.  Carlyn took me into the nursery to see him, and I fought back tears.  There he was – this tiny little baby that God breathed life into.  I just wanted to sit and stare at him.  All I kept thinking was how much I wanted to love him and protect him and do anything I could to make him healthy and strong…and I’m not even his mom.  

I love children.  But I have never felt such a strong desire to keep anyone from harm.  I have never felt such a strong responsibility to love someone.  And he’s not even my child.

As I was driving home, God brought this verse to mind:

If you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask him! – Matthew 7.11

I am evil and my heart is corrupt, selfish, and broken.  And yet, all I want to do is love and protect this little baby that is not even my child.  God’s love is perfect.  I would not even have a glimpse of what love was without God giving me that ability.  And what I do know of love is less than a dim shadow of His true love.

Why would I ever doubt his love for me?  Why would I ever think He desires anything less that what is best for me? 

I have loved you with an everlasting love… - Jeremiah 31.3

Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good,

            For his steadfast love endures forever. – Psalm 136.1

See what kind of love the Father has given to us, that we should be called children of God; and so we are. – 1 John 3.1

Old Emails

I came across some old emails the other day.  They were from about 3 years ago (yes, I am a packrat – doing better with actual papers, but thankful for electronic storage).  I had just started to settle down in Greenville.  I hadn’t been back in the US for a year yet.  I was meeting new people, figuring out my job, finding a church, etc.

It was kind of fun to read through some of those first emails with people who I now call some of my closest friends.  Some of them were really funny and awkward, just because I had never met the folks and was trying to become friends over email.  I’m not sure how they got past my awkwardness, but so glad they did.

As sweet as it was to relive those memories, I was struck by something disheartening, almost shocking.  I was reading the emails of a different person.  Rarely, now, do my emails, phone calls, or other conversations sound like they did 3 years ago. 

That girl was so hopeful.  She was confident in what she knew God was directing her towards.  She was mindful of what God was doing in the large and small things around her.  She anticipated spiritual conversations and seized opportunities to put more faith in God and encourage others to do the same.

And as I sat there, all I could think was, “That’s not me…not anymore.”

I was heartbroken.  How have I let that passion fade?  Who have I become?  Where am I headed?

The past 4 years have been difficult.  Transition back to the States lasted as long as my time overseas, maybe longer.  And it seems, in many ways, to have been followed by a spiritual valley.  We all have to come down from the mountain at some point.  And even though every moment overseas wasn’t “mountain top” awesome, it was the mountain for me, spiritually. 

Though we feel closer to God and stronger in our faith on the mountain, that is not where life happens.  Our faith is lived out away from the mountain.  Our faith is refined away from the mountain.  As Oswald Chambers puts it, “The power of the saint lies in the coming down and in the living that is done in the valley.”

So how can we be sure we don’t falter or fade once we come down from the mountain?  How can we keep our faith constant and remain steadfast in Him?

We can’t.  We are not able.  We are not constant.  We are broken. 

But God is not.  He is able.  He is constant.

Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever.  – Hebrews 13.8

For I the Lord do not change. – Malachi 3.3

Our ability to remain in Him rests solely on Him.  He is our Constant One. 

When everything in and around us changes.  When nothing feels stable.  When our faith fades.  He is the same. 

“Believe God is the God you know Him to be when you are closest to Him.” - Chambers

He does not change, and His love for us remains the same.

He is the same God who revealed Himself on the mountaintop and in the fire.  He is the same God who initially drew us to Himself.  And He will draw us back to Himself.  He will draw us through His Word, through His people, through song…and sometimes through old emails.

New Year

New Year.  New beginning.  New opportunity.  New chances. 

For many, those words bring hope.  There is anticipation that things could change for the better; that things can improve.  For many, that’s what is desired; what is needed.  I know a lot of people who want to forget 2012. 

For me, 2012 was a very difficult year, for a number of reasons.  Struggle is a good way to describe the past year.  I struggled to make decisions.  I struggled to balance my schedule and my life.  I struggled to build and strengthen relationships.  I struggled to hold onto relationships, and struggled to let others go.  I struggled through illness and death of people I love.  And all the while, I struggled to understand why.

I desperately desired a reason for events and circumstances.  I would still like to understand why things played out the way they did.  I will likely never fully know or fully understand, though.  I was reminded at Christmas that even if God did choose to explain it all to me, I wouldn’t understand.

For he is not man, as I am… - Job 9.32

God is perfect.  His plan is perfect.  His knowledge is perfect.  His understanding is perfect.  There is nothing about me that is perfect, except that which God has put in me.  With human capabilities and imperfect understanding, I should not expect understandable answers to all of my ‘Why?’ questions.

What I can understand is that we have a Savior who knows and understands every thought, emotion, and question.

Since then we have a great high priest who has passed through the heavens, Jesus, the Son of God, let us hold fast our confession.  For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weakness, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin.  Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in the time of need.

– Hebrews 4.14-16

He knows.  He understands.  He cares. 

He knows we live in a broken world.  He understands that it is difficult, painful, and trying.  He cares about the things that harm His children.

He knew that because of sin not only is this world broken, but also our ability to receive salvation on our own.  He understood that our salvation would require a perfect sacrifice.  He cared about our salvation enough to become that sacrifice.

Since therefore the children share in the flesh and blood, he himself likewise partook of the same things, that through death he might destroy the one who has the power of death, that is, the devil, and deliver all those who through fear of death were subject to lifelong slavery.  – Hebrews 2.14-15

Struggle is part of this life, part of this world.  We are constantly reminded of the brokenness that surrounds us.  But we must not forget that our Savior understands our struggle – He lived and breathed it.  We must also not forget that our Savior defeated the ultimate struggle, and we, too, are ultimately victorious through Him.

Has Waiting Weakened Your Faith? - Paul David Tripp

I read this article by Paul David Tripp the other day on Facebook - pretty appropriate timing.  Tripp has an amazing way of reorienting our perspective to that of a Heavenly perspective.  His article on "Waiting" is no different.

5 Signs Waiting Has Weakened Your Faith

- Paul David Tripp

https://www.facebook.com/notes/paul-david-tripp/5-signs-waiting-has-weakened-your-faith/342442025798067

When God asks you to wait, what happens to your spiritual muscles? While you wait, do your spiritual muscles grow bigger and stronger, or do they become flaccid and atrophied? Waiting for the Lord isn't about God forgetting you, forsaking you, abandoning the ministry he's called you to, or being unfaithful to his promises. It's actually God giving you time to consider his glory, grow stronger in faith, and grow in courage for ministry. Remember, waiting isn't just about what you're hoping for at the end of the wait, but also about what you'll become as you wait.

So waiting always presents us with a spiritual choice-point. Will I allow myself to question God's goodness and progressively grow weaker in faith, or will I embrace the opportunity of faith that God is giving me and build my spiritual, pastoral, ministry muscles?

It's so easy to unknowingly revisit your belief system when you're not sure what God is doing. It's so easy to give way to doubt when you're being called to wait. It's so easy to forsake good spiritual and ministry habits and to take up habits of "unfaith" that weaken the muscles of the heart. Let me suggest some habits of "unfaith" that weaken us during waiting.

1. Giving way to doubt. There's a fine line between the struggle to wait and giving way to doubt. When you're called to wait you're being called to do something that wasn't part of your personal or ministry plan.Therefore you struggle to see it as good. Because you and I are typically convinced that what we wanted was right and good, it doesn't seem loving that we're being asked to wait. You can see how tempting it is then to begin to question God's wisdom, goodness, and love. Don't be naive: there is much doubt that visits people in ministry.

2. Giving way to anger. It's easy to look around and begin to think that the bad guys are being blessed and the good guys are getting hammered (see Psalm 73). There will be times when it simply doesn't seem right that you have to wait for something that seems so obviously good to you. It's tempting in your anger to give way to thinking you're smarter than God, that you'd be a better sovereign than the Sovereign. It all begins to feel like you're being wronged, and when it does, it seems right to be angry.

As a result, it's important to understand that your anger isn't so much about people and circumstances. No, you're angry with the One who's in control of those people and those circumstances. You're actually giving way to thinking that you've been wronged by him. I've been amazed over the years at how many pastors needed to confess to me that they were more than disappointed with their ministry life, they were angry with God.

3. Giving way to discouragement. This is where I begin to let my heart run away with the "If only_____," the "What if_____," and the "What will happen if____." I begin to give my mind to thinking about what will happen to me and my ministry if my request isn't answered soon, or what in the world will happen if it's not answered at all. This kind of meditation makes me feel that my life or ministry is out of control, when they are actually under perfectly wise and loving control. Rather than my heart being filled with joy, my heart gets flooded with worry and dread. Worry and dread are not the seedbed of hopeful, courageous, persevering ministry. So I spend my free mental time considering my dark future, with all the resulting discouragement that will always follow.

4. Giving way to envy. When I am waiting, it's tempting to look over the fence and long for the ministry life of someone who doesn't appear to have been called to wait. It's easy to take on an "I wish I was that guy" way of living. You can't give way to envy without questioning God's wisdom, faithfulness, and love. Here's the logic: if God really loves you as much as he loves that other guy, you would have what the other guys has. Envy is about feeling forgotten and forsaken, coupled with a craving to have what your neighbor enjoys. This is deadly, because you don't tend to run to someone for help if you've come to doubt him.

5. Giving way to inactivity. The result of giving way to all of these things is inactivity. If God isn't as good and wise as I once thought he was, if he withholds good things from his children, and if he plays favorites, then why would I continue to serve him? Maybe you don't consciously think these things, but you begin to stand with many pastors who've lost both their joy in and also motivation for ministry. Maybe this isn't what I'm supposed to be doing after all; maybe I've been kidding myself.

Sadly, this is the course that many people, even those in ministry, take as they wait. Rather than growing in faith, their motivation for daily pursuing God is destroyed by doubt, anger, discouragement, and envy. So the muscles of faith necessary for productive people-helping, God-honoring ministry, that were once robust and strong, now atrophy and grow weak.

In reality, waiting points us to God's goodness. He's wise and loving. His timing is always right, and his focus isn't so much on what you'll experience and enjoy, but on what you'll become. He's committed to using every tool at his disposal to rescue you from you, to shape you into the likeness of his Son, and to hone you for the work to which he's called you. Waiting is one of his primary shaping tools.

Habits of Faith

So how do you build your spiritual muscles during the wait? You must commit yourself to resist those habits of "unfaith," and with discipline pursue a rigorous routine of spiritual exercise. You must run to your Savior of grace, knowing his grace never gives up even though your often tempted to.

Here are the things that he's designed for you that will build the muscles of your heart and strengthen your resolve: the regular devotional study of his Word, consistent and candid fellowship, looking for God's glory in Creation every day, putting yourself under excellent preaching and teaching of Scripture (even preachers need to be regularly taught), investing your quiet mental time in meditating on the goodness of God (for example, as you are going off to sleep), reading excellent Christian books, and spending ample time in prayer. All of these things will result in spiritual strength and vitality.

Do these things seem obvious to you? You would be surprised how many pastors have confessed to me a lack of good spiritual habits. It is sad to think of how many pastors live in functional isolation, not putting their hearts in places where they can be watched, warned, protected, and nourished. Without daily meditating on God's glory and grace, all you're left to meditate on are the struggles within you and the problems outside you. No wonder our pastoral muscles grow weak.

Is God, in grace, asking you to wait? If so, what's happening to your muscles while you wait?

What's In the Waiting

When you hear people talk about waiting in terms of faith and spiritual life, typically there is some reference to a period of preparation for what’s ahead.  You hear people talk about how years of shepherding helped prepare David for Goliath and how Joseph was prepared to lead under Pharaoh during his years in Potiphar’s house and in prison. 

I like that idea.  I like to think this time is teaching me something, preparing me for the future.  I like to think that I’m not wasting my time, but that I am learning valuable lessons now that will be put to use later. 

While I believe God is using the present to prepare me for the future, I know that there is something He cares about more than my future success and usefulness – my heart.

One question I have been challenged with recently is:  If I am never useful – in ministry or otherwise – again, if I cannot contribute anything, do I still feel worthy of being God’s daughter, of being chosen and claimed by God?

That is a difficult question to answer honestly.  I want to be useful.  I want to be productive.  I want to be needed.  I find value in these things.  I find my value in these things. 

But God doesn’t need me.  He will never need me.  He doesn’t value or love me because I can do something for Him, because I can produce or contribute.  His love for me is entirely based on His capacity to love, not on my ability to earn love.

“…God is love.  In this the love of God was made manifest among us, that God sent his only Son into the world, so that we might live through him.  In this is love, no that we have loved God but that he loved us and sent his Son to be the propitiation for our sins…We love because he first loved us.”

            - 1 John 4.8-10, 19

So then the waiting is not primarily about preparation.  It is about restoration.  It is about being restored to what God created me to be.  It’s about repentance from and forgiveness of sins.  It’s about healing my heart and having my affections captured by the Lord.  It is about having my heart transformed so that I, like the psalmist, might be able to say:

“You have put more joy in my heart than they have when their grain and wine abound.” – Psalm 4.7

“But I have trusted in your steadfast love; my heart shall rejoice in your salvation.  I will sing to the Lord, because he has dealt bountifully with me.” – Psalm 13.5-6

“The Lord is my chosen portion and my cup; you hold my lot…Therefore my heart is glad, and my whole being rejoices; my flesh also dwells secure.” – Psalm 16.5, 10

So as I wait, I pray

“Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me. 

Cast me not away from your presence and take not your Holy Spirit from me. 

Restore to me the joy of your salvation, and uphold me with a willing spirit.”

– Psalm 51.10-12

Let me find thy light in my darkness,

            Thy life in my death,

            Thy joy in my sorrow,

            Thy grace in my sin,

            Thy riches in my poverty,

            Thy glory in my valley.

                        - The Valley of Vision

Waiting Here For You

I love the Christy Nockels song, "Waiting Here for You."  It expresses so well what I desire the state of my heart to be in times of waiting.

If faith can move the mountains
Let the mountains move
We come with expectation
Waiting here for you, I’m waiting here for you

You’re the Lord of all creation
And still you know my heart
The Author of Salvation 
You’ve loved us from the start

Waiting here for You
With our hands lifted high in praise
And it's You we adore
Singing Alleluia

You are everything You’ve promised
Your faithfulness is true
And we're desperate for Your presence
All we need is You
Waiting here for You
With our hands lifted high in praise
And it's You we adore
Singing Alleluia

Singing Alleluia
Alleluia, singing alleluia, alleluia
Waiting here for You
With our hands lifted high in praise
And it's You we adore
Singing Alleluia

Waiting here for you
With our hands lifted high in praise
And it's You we adore 
We're singing Alleluia

I'm singing Alleluia
Waiting here for you 
With our hands lifted high in praise
And it's You we adore 
Singing Alleluia
Singing Alleluia

- Waiting Here for You, Christy Nockels

I'm Not Patient

I’m not patient.  I’m not good at waiting.  I want to see movement.  See it.  Not just know it’s happening.  I want to be able to look back, see where I started, and know that I’ve made progress to where I am standing right now.

This past year has not done that for me.

And I haven’t handled it too well.

As I stand here now, looking back, I see a lot of ruts where I was spinning my wheels but not going anywhere.  At the time I thought I was doing good things.  I thought I was making progress.  I may have done some good, but ultimately I was not being obedient to what God was calling me to.

I wasn’t even listening to what God was calling me to, at times. 

I heard Him say, “wait.”  I heard Him say, “not now.”  And instead of being obedient and trusting God to move me at the right time, I came up with stuff to do on my own.  I made my own plans and hoped He’d go along with them. 

He didn’t.

He let me try my plans.  He let me fill my schedule and come up with all sorts of tasks to do.  He let me forsake rest and Sabbath.  He let me live with zero margin.  He did all of that because He loves me.

And now I’m tired.  I’m tired, burned out, and just feeling done.  And God is still here, beside me, waiting for me to finally listen.  He is patiently waiting on me when I refused to wait on Him.  He is here to renew me.  He is here to give me energy, hope, and joy.  And He’s doing all of that because He loves me.

Waiting and resting feel counterintuitive to what I’m trying to do.  They seem to be working against the goal.  I would say they are for weak people who can’t hack it.  That’s not what the Bible says, though.

For thus said the Lord GOD, the Holy One of Israel,
“In repentance and rest you shall be saved;
in quietness and in trust shall be your strength.”

-       Isaiah 30.15

Repentance and rest brings salvation.  Quietness and trust brings strength.  But I, like Israel, refuse to trust in that.

But you were unwilling, and you said,
“No! We will flee upon horses”;
therefore you shall flee away;
and, “We will ride upon swift steeds”;
therefore your pursuers shall be swift.

A thousand shall flee at the threat of one;
at the threat of five you shall flee,
till you are left
like a flagstaff on the top of a mountain,
like a signal on a hill.

- Isaiah 30.15-17

Israel trusted in their alliances and perceived strength.  Both failed them.  I trust in my plans and own strength.  Both fail me.

God does not fail.  He does not disappoint.  He does not abandon.

Therefore the LORD waits to be gracious to you,
and therefore he exalts himself to show mercy to you.
For the LORD is a God of justice;
blessed are all those who wait for him.

- Isaiah 30.18

Blessed are those who wait for Him.

A Year Later...

Another year has passed, and yet in many ways I feel like I’m in the same place I was in January 2011. 

This thought has partially consumed my mind over the last couple months.  I know that I am not in the same place I was this time last year, but on the surface it seems that way.  I am in the same city, same house, same job, same lack of relationship, same education level, same financial situation. 

I struggle with feeling a lack of progress in my life.  I want to make things happen.  I want to make changes.  I want to see forward progress.  I want everyone else to be able to see forward progress.

And as I speak these feelings to God, He simply asks me, “Do you trust Me?”

Do I?

I say I do.  I want to.  In theory and concept, I do.  But in the details, in the timing, in the waiting, I don’t.  I struggle to believe this period of time in my life is good.  God says it is, though:

“And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.  For those whom he foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son…” - Romans 8.28-29

The LORD is good to those who wait for him,
to the soul who seeks him.

It is good that one should wait quietly
for the salvation of the LORD

- Lamentations 3.25-26

The good is not based on where I think I need to be or what I deserve.  It is not based on where everyone around me is, what they have, or the progress they are making.  It is based solely on God’s plan for me.  And His plan for me is not happiness, comfort, and security here and now.  It is the preparation of my soul for eternity.

So the question remains, “Do you trust Me?”

Do I trust Him enough to remain faithful and obedient in the waiting?  Do I trust that the work He is doing in my soul while my life seems to be on pause is infinitely more important than the “life” I feel is flying by me?

I sure want to.